The Rant and Rage: Pure, all-natural, animal-free fury

Hey vegan friend, please shut up. I get it—we all get it. You don’t dig on the animal products. That’s cool…for you. Frankly, it’s got to be a bit tough, but you work it out and I respect you for that.

However, us meat-atarians are mostly just fine how we are. I like bacon, beef, chicken and, oh man, don’t get me started on buffalo…mmm. What was I talking about? Oh yeah. And wine goes great with cheese and lox. Hey, I don’t make the rules. That’s just the way God, Gaia, evolution or Captain Planet made it.

So cut out the high-and-mighty, pompous, vegan preach-fest. You’re getting nowhere with it.

Food production in our culture blows. This is true. There is no defense for it. Not even the biggest meat-eating hunter could deny how screwed up industrialized farming is. A factory farm produces some of the most hormone-packed, disease-ridden, pus-filled crap we have ever seen cross the butcher’s knife. And corn-fed beef. Corn-fed beef! When was the last time you saw a cow harvesting corn and chewing it off the cob? Cows don’t eat corn, and while on the subject, the happy ones certainly don’t come from California.

Our factory farms not only are filthy petri dishes—the environmental punches they throw are beyond nasty. These farms degrade and destroy the land, and they just annihilate water supplies. Coastal areas get killed off, forest area is decreased and antibiotic resistance weakens our own defense against disease. And hey, I am running off of the playbook of www.veganoutreach.org (you should be proud).

In other words, our meat-producing industry makes us physically weaker while also screwing with other parts of the environment we depend on. And to add insult to injury, Americans eat too much meat. As Forbes reported last March, the Archives of Internal Medicine and the National Cancer Institute stated that excessive meat in your diet lessens your life span and raises your risk of cancer and cardiovascular mortality rates.

I am very happy you figured all this out. Not a lot of folks do. Yet, by your logic, if the water from one faucet is making us sick, then we should all give up water, instead of just getting it from a healthy source. Therefore, if the meat being produced sucks, as it does, then go to a healthy source.

In Oregon, we really luck out. Farmers markets show up so frequently it’s practically annoying. You can bet the selection being offered at these places comes from your local area, so your money stays close to home, and the meat is raised a hell of a lot better than at a factory farm. I doubt you’ll find many of the issues plaguing industrialized farms at these local ranches. Or choose to shop at a store that has good meat practices and is supplied by responsible farmers.

Look, it’s not the fact you are vegan, or how I don’t follow your logic. Get down with your vegan self and all the vegan glory. That’s your right. It’s the evangelical, militant war you rage upon the rest of us that is sooo off-putting. You come off like a street preacher in the South Park Blocks. Not only does your faux meat not taste like actual meat, it doesn’t taste very good at all.

The videos you show are just sad and gross. And moral arguments should be saved for philosophers and church. We—and I am speaking for the smart carnivores that make the effort to get healthy food—are going to continue smoking briskets, barbecuing beer-can chickens and making the most gorgeous, splendid and delicious cheese platters. And we are going to support our local farmers and environment while we do it.