The rant and rage

It really pisses me off. Elevators. Not the idea of them, just the assholes who use them.

It really pisses me off. Elevators. Not the idea of them, just the assholes who use them. We all have somewhere to go. And we all have to use the same avenues to get there. So why the hell do you use the elevator to travel up one measly floor! Come on, it’s one floor, jackass!

Allow me to enlighten your obviously stunted mind. Over the past few years there have been great advancements in the realm of building travel. Where as once you may have had to wait for those magic metal doors to lift you up and down to traverse one or two levels, now through the modern marvels of science, most buildings—and by most I mean all—have a wonderful invention called “stairs.” These stairs will allow you to walk (that’s right, walk) up or down to your destination.

I know you’re thinking, “How is this possible?” And I would explain it to you, though since you are already putting your dimwittedness on display by making the rest of us wait as you move by only one floor, I feel that explaining it to you may be a waste of both our time. Just trust me that there are stairs there, and you can use them.

Honestly, are you lazy or just stupid? The rest of us are going to the top of this thing, I got one minute to get to my class, the guy next to me smells pretty nasty and you come in with your sense of elevator entitlement and prolong this process. All just so you don’t have to strain your precious little calves.

You probably already know this, but America is fat. I know that’s not too PC to say, but we are, and that’s the way it is. Well, actually, about a quarter of us are fat or obese according to, and the number is only getting bigger.

We are all aware that exercise is key to bettering multiple aspects of our lives. Mental and physical health is shown to dramatically improve when folks simply hit the pavement every now and then. Though I am not entirely here to tell you to get off your ass, just to let you know that your ass and mind (for some it’s the same thing) is only one concern. My time, and everyone else’s on this elevator, is another.

The Center for Disease Control further states that it basically comes down to a calorie imbalance. We are taking in more calories than we are using. This equals poor health. You know what doesn’t burn calories? Elevators. You know what does? Walking and using stairs.

So think of it this way: every time you hop on that lift to go a mere 20 feet, you’re throwing on more bodily harm and contributing to America’s obesity predicament. When that happens, America loses. And when America loses, the terrorists win. That’s right, you anti-American piece of donkey dung, next time, don’t waste ours and hit the stairs!