Be warned. I am about to utter words of Portland heresy and sacrilege. I may have to go into hiding once you all know my inner most feelings about a deeply rooted Portland treasure. Mobs will be formed as many wooden boards fashioned with pointy nails are forged. But I am sorry, I can’t remain silent anymore, it has to be said: Stumptown coffee really blows.
Yours truly has been known to drink a lot of coffee. Through this addiction, I have experienced an array of blends brewing from our corner of the state, and I am weary of the Stumptown homogeny plastered over this city. The stuff isn’t that amazing to begin with.
And all you people sipping it, regurgitating its praise throughout the streets of Portland are either sheep, or else have really bad taste in coffee. I am tired of hearing hipsters spout idioms such as “Oh, I’ve never had fair-trade taste so great before,” or “This organic coffee warms my apathetic heart.” I’d ask you sit down and shut up, but I’m sure that doing so would split your extra-tight, high-water hipster jeans as tears flow down your poor excuse for facial hair.
I am talking about how Stumptown garners grand admiration, yet certainly isn’t the best brew on the block.
Don’t get me wrong. Stumptown isn’t evil. Fair trade should be the standard practice. I will concede that it is possible I haven’t experienced all they offer. However, I have experienced the very poor sludge dripping from plethora of pots scattered across this city; either steaming black mires of caffeinated crude, or liquid presentations of acidic mold. Perhaps this is less of a rant and more of a cry for help. Come on Portland! Brew me something better!