The world is full of horrors. Terrors such as school shootings, drugs, robberies or Glenn Beck plague us every day. But none of these frightening tragedies of daily life can compare to a mounting threat terrorizing our educational system. The scourge: Hugs.
That’s right! A culture of hugs has overtaken our public schools and infected students with a need to show affection to their fellow peers.
West Sylvan Middle School’s principal Allison Couch claimed that the hugging at her school had become so excessive it was interfering with the students’ education. Parents of students had apparently complained about the hug-fests occurring at the middle school. Fears of young men becoming aroused or a culture of hugging clashing with a culture of “don’t touch me” ran rampant around the school. And therefore führer, er I mean, Principal Couch instituted a hugging ban at her middle school.
Did we do this to ourselves? Did we perhaps try a little too hard to instill in our children “hugs not drugs?”
You know what other schools in America have to worry about? Guns! You know why students are sometimes late to class in other schools? They’re hugging, you say? Wrong! They got shot!
Last week, seven students were found to have firearms and ammunition in a San Diego Middle School. Earlier this month, a Florida middle school student was beaten nearly to death over a text message. Incidents like these are what scares me. But for the community of West Sylvan Middle School, hugs are their overwhelming enemy.
If your school’s biggest concern is an outbreak of excessive affection toward one another, then you should thank your lucky fucking stars! And if your use of administrative actions are so diluted that you are banning hugs, then you most likely don’t have much to do in your job. Someone is perhaps getting paid too much to do too little…and then ban hugs.
Couch told The Oregonian it was a “virus of hugs,” in addition to relaying parents’ concerns that hugging could be used to arouse young men. Speaking as a former young man, let me toss a little knowledge your way. It doesn’t take a hug. What does it take? Waking up. Though I suppose I shouldn’t be so hard on folks for being too concerned about the arousal factor. After all, the next logical step after hugging is pregnancy, or worse, an ETD (embrace transmitted disease).
I know, a mass of middle schoolers squealing, jumping and hugging is rather annoying—but then again, they are middle schoolers. We can’t ban every little irritating thing a teenager does. It’s in their nature to squeal, hug, support Miley Cyrus, among other annoying behaviors.
Then again, a ban here or there wouldn’t be too bad. We could start with banning books…vampire books, followed by boy bands and “punk” rock groups that are really just boy bands.
For now, West Sylvan Middle School has won its war with the hug epidemic. Maybe now they can get to address that other pestering affliction hindering the educational processes—high fives.