The Rant & Rage: “Ugg” is slang for ugly-stop wearing them!

You look like a moron. I’m sorry, but I just have to say it. In recent years, certain fashion trends have failed to fade away and die like they should have, and instead, continue to visually offend me on a daily basis.

 

Let’s start with the oh-so-popular Ugg boots. I’ll admit they look comfortable enough, but that is their only redeeming quality. Otherwise, they just look like a shoe designer got lazy and decided to market overgrown slippers from the 80s.

 

Every time a pair of these fuzzy-foot mittens step across my path I am reminded of a scene from Dumb and Dumber where Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels walk out of their hotel wearing the most awful oversized furry footwear. I laughed at first when I saw it, but now I am filled with another impression—bewildered at a complete lack of sense of how those boots look. I search for words to convey the visual agony of those ridiculous boots, but I as of yet have not found a phrase to adequately do so.

 

To add further ridiculousness to the uggly situation at hand, I generally come across said Uggs paired with some sort of mini-skirt. Your knees must be on fire, yet your toes are so very cold. Sure, they come in many different styles and spinoffs of the original theme, but in the end they all suffer from the same bout of stylistic stupidity.

 

And what is up with Crocs?! When the hell did the styles of green-thumbed grannies become in vogue? I never thought that a piece of footwear would make me long for the days of the Birkenstocks and the pseudo-hippies that wore them. I would rather see the aqua sock make a comeback as casual footwear than see another pair of Crocs.

 

I’ve also got a message for all the guys, er, I mean douche bags out there. I’ve tried to look past your fake tans, popped collars and Ed Hardy T-shirts, but can we please cut out the faux hawk fiasco perched atop your skull? This is truly a trend for those lacking material to use within their head—some might call it a brain—and I am surprised it hasn’t collapsed yet under the weight of all that hair gel. Look, if you want that unique badass look, then please just get a real Mohawk.

 

And while I am unveiling this reality to you, I might as well let you know that the tattoo you got, the Asian character that you thought would express a sense of sensitivity and inner depth, actually just articulates how sheltered and fake you are. It might mean “peace” or “justice” somewhere else, but here and now it just means “stupid shallow white guy.”

 

I’m no fashion critic, fashionista or even a well-dressed enthusiast. My idea of fashion doesn’t go much further than crawling across the floor in the morning and throwing on whatever smells the least offensive—usually something plaid. Dick Richards is a “jeans and T-shirt” guy, but it doesn’t matter what your style is, it should be clear and obvious to everyone that these trends are horridly obnoxious. They will only serve to make you cringe in the future as you look through old photos of yourself wondering what the hell you were thinking, much in the same way people view mullets, hammer pants and mustaches on guys that can’t actually grow thick facial hair—actually, I am still waiting on that last one.