The Street Savage

Anonymous 1

Can I interview you?What’s it regarding?

It’s a short interview, it’ll take like two minutes.What’s it about?

It could be about anything.[pause]

What do you want it to be about?Sure, why not.

Well, actually I want you to tell me a thing or two about personal hygiene.Oh, I don’t know, I take a shower like every morning and put [word I don’t hear] on, sometimes if I have time I do makeup.

You put the Internet on?Deodorant.

You put…deodorant…on.Yeah, deodorant.

What kind of deodorant?Right Guard.

Charles Barkley likes Right Guard.Really.

Yeah.Well, it works really good.

What do you think of Charles Barkley? See, he’s a basketball player right?

I think so. Well, I’m not really into basketball but…

Is he a good guy? Sure.

But you don’t know who he is, how could you say he’s a good guy? I’m not really up on basketball but I’ve seen like pictures of him and he seems like a nice person. I haven’t read any like scandals about him.

Neither have I, but you like the Right Guard. What else do you like? I like rain…but I prefer snow.

But snow isn’t clean. But it has like particles of dirt in it, but it makes everything look pretty. Rain you get all wet and you get cold and you get depressed.

I’m not depressed. I’m not either.

But I’m clean. Do you think cleanliness is next to godliness? Yes.

So you’re placing yourself, since you cleaned yourself, on the same level as God. Well, it’s not that simple.

Well, it is that simple! Well, you can’t be a god but you’re like him.

“Thou shalt not worship any gods before me.” That includes yourself. True.

So washing should be a moral sin, correct? Uh…to a degree.

Cleanliness! Godliness! Well, it depends, religion is very…it doesn’t have like a continuum though.

Oh, it does have a continuum; it goes from Genesis to Revelation! It has a continuum, so if I catch you in the shower…Which you probably won’t.

You don’t know that. I don’t know, I just like being fresh and smell good, ya know, whatever…[pause]…like you do right?

Sort of. What is sort of? [pause]

Yeah, sure. Well, people smell bad, like ya know…like you know, it’s society. You have to smell clean and nice.

Or else what happens? Then you’re shunned, people don’t like you, they won’t sit next to you. They’ll hold their noses.

Why would they hold their nose? Because you smell bad, ya know? ‘Cause it’s body odor and it’s not very attractive.

But you can’t hold your nose, I mean you can’t take it off your face and hold it in your hand. That’s true, which is why they have deodorants and baby powder…

Have you ever powdered yourself? That’s weird. I know prolley some people do but I…

I have. Really.

Well, I did it this morning. Like baby powder.

Yeah, I like to experiment. Do you experiment? No, I have a normal routine and I follow that.

And you never stray outside of the routine? No.

Isn’t that kind of boring? Well I am obsessive-compulsive so…

You have to. It’s like if I don’t do the whole thing it kind of ruins my day.

Don’t you have like, uh…those things you put in your mouth and you swallow them and it makes you not obsessive-compulsive? No, I’m trying to do like, uh…

It’s called medication. I’m trying to do talk therapy to try and get over those issues.

Get over those issues…but what are the issues…I don’t remember…

Anonymous 2

I don’t even go here. What do you want?

To interview you it won’t take not but two minutes. Ask some questions, I wanted to ask you a thing or two about personal hygiene and what it means to you. It’s very important, personal hygiene. Teeth is like number one though, that and putting on deodorant.

Well, I heard a guy say that if you put on deodorant you’re cutting off all the pheromones. I’m a girl, so…

You’d want to attract them, right? Yeah.

So don’t you think you’d want to stink? Don’t you think? No.

No! You wouldn’t want to stink! Why don’t you wanna stink? I don’t want to stink, I think that’s nasty. People want you to smell good. If you’re gonna get it on with somebody, you’d want to be clean and you’d want them to be clean.

What if you like it? Well, then you like it and you’re freak! Er…I guess I would consider you a freak.

You’re outside the mainstream! Yeah.

And that’s cool! Alright…er…no…

Do you floss often? Yes.

Do you smell it? No.

No? No.

No? No.

Well, that’s good. I have, and do you know what it smelled like? What?

It smelled like fuckin’ butthole. Do you think there’s buttholes hiding in the back of my teeth? [pause]

Probably not, huh? No.

That would be weird, like little buttholes hiding in the back of my teeth. Are you serious, is this like for a class or something?

No, this is for the student newspaper. Oh, even better.

People are going to read it and be like, “Oh my God, this guy is talking about buttholes in the back of my teeth! How disgusting!” You’re probably thinking that right now. No.

Promise. No.

Or else my feelings are gonna be hurt. I don’t smell bad, do I? I can’t smell you, so…

You don’t want to smell me…