The Street Savage

I am a person who likes to watch movies. And they are fun to watch, especially the ones that have the stuff that is much cooler than when it’s really happening–like in that one movie where the guy had a gun.

Anonymous 1

Can I interview you? Have you seen Angela today?

I have not seen Angela today. Wait, what is it about?

It’s about movies. I think movies are a good theory that don’t really work out in practice.

Gimme an example. Well, like, uhm… that was kind of a joke.

I don’t get it. I think a lot of people mean really well and they want their films to like, mean something but it’s also commercialized and co-opted and dumbed-down and disgusting that like, it’s such a joke. I mean like, I haven’t been to a theater since like, uhm… Pan’s Labyrinth.

Yeah, was it about Peter Pan? I didn’t know Peter Pan had a labyrinth. It’s by a Mexican director, about a little girl who…

Wait, yeah, I saw that movie… jeez. Alright.

[I show her a press kit DVD cover for Ice Cube’s Are We Done Yet?] What can you tell me about this movie? Uhm, I saw previews for it and was basically horrified because like, they’re… I feel like the movie industry is talking down to African-Americans, and I feel like the movie industry is looking at them as a demographic that will spend their money on absolute shit. So they make stuff like this. That movie offends me.

This is pretty offensive [I show her a press kit DVD cover for Firehouse Dog.] I’ve never heard of that movie.

Firehouse Dog, but it’s a dog, ya know, that should offend you because they’re taking away peoples’ lives, peoples’ livelihoods… ’cause they’re not human…Wait, what on earth are you talking about?

I’m talking about this dog, that firehouse dog. That’s not funny, that’s not funny at all. People shouldn’t be making jokes about dogs taking away peoples’ jobs, livelihoods. People could die in fires because of firehouse dogs! There’s a long tradition of firehouse dogs, they can sniff out humans that regular people wouldn’t be able to find.

But they can’t like, carry them to safety, they don’t have uh…Dogs are primarily used in scouting capacity by firehouses.

Well, but this dog, he’s not dressed up like a scout-dog, he’s dressed up like a regular fireman. Pssh.

Well, I know, but it might encourage people to use dogs, primarily, to save money.It’s a very dangerous idea they’re putting forth here. Uh, yeah…

It’s uh, “save on the taxes, just get a bunch of dogs in suits.” Don’t you worry. I think PETA will prevent that from happening.

What’s that? PETA.

Well, yeah but pita is just a type of bread! I don’t know what you’re talking about, you’re confusing me. That’s real cute, I get your schtick! People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals!

Oh… well… they’re not bread either.

Tell me about movies. Alex Cox.

Is that a porn guy? Ya know, ’cause this is a clean column! No, Repo Man, ya know?

With Emilio Estevez? I love that movie actually, I was just saying that because the director’s name is Alex COX…Yeah, yeah, I know. I’m sure he got a lot of shit for that.

But can you recite for me the monologue, just from memory, about why people are stupid. The Repo Code?

Not the Repo Code, the monologue about why people are not intelligent. No, I saw the movie like five years ago, and I just saw the movie two days ago.Can you?

I’ll just give you the basic low down in the monologue, he says like, people are stupid because they drive. Oh, fuck yeah! That one is great!

Now, just from memory, just improvise what you don’t remember. I’m not gonna remember…

I’ll give you the first line, and you take it from there… okay… I can’t remember…That’s it? That’s the line?

No, no, wait… “You know how everybody’s into weirdness nowadays…?”“All the UFOs, books in all the supermarkets about Bermuda Triangles… well, ya know what I think? I think it’s because people drive, and the more people drive the less intelligent people get,” and then Emilio Estevez kicks a can or something. I know there’s something about a plate of shrimp.

Tell you what, why don’t I think of a plate of something else, and you try and guess what it is…Okay… pasta?

No. Fuck.

A plate of…Shrimp scampi? Pizza? Lasagna? Pie?

No! Fuckin’ hummus! Oh, a hummus plate! See, I’m not in tune with your kawinkydinks.

You got to be in tune with the vibes of the cosmic inter… con… nected… ness…

What’s your favorite movie? Do you want a current one or just overall?

Oh, it doesn’t matter. Some Like It Hot.

I’ve never heard of that movie. It’s an old black and white movie.

Is it hot? Not particularly. It’s Marilyn Monroe and Jack Lemon.

Marilyn Monroe is pretty hot, does she sizzle in this movie or does she kind of like…A little bit, yeah.

A little fizzle. Would you say that that movie is as hot as this movie? [I show her the Firehouse Dog DVD] I don’t know anything about it.

It’s called Firehouse Dog, it should be pretty hot because it’s about fire. I would assume so.

I would assume so too. But the dog, does he sizzle? No. I don’t know anything about it.

Could you describe this press kit cover for me? It’s a dog wearing sunglasses and a fire hat.

It sure is! ‘Cause he’s cool! Would you say he’s cool? Okay, yes… maybe…

Maybe. He’s definitely not hot. He doesn’t seem to be, no.

Except if his fur caught on fire. Then he’d be hot, yes.

Like hot as in sexually attractive? No.

Hot as in, like, temperature. Correct.

And he would… have you ever eaten roast dog? No.

I haven’t either… I’ll be like the dog in the first scene and you be like the human companion. No.

Why no? It’ll be fun… “Hi, I’m a dog.” No.

“No? Yeah, I am. I’m a dog and I’m wearing sunglasses!” I’m gonna have to stop this now.

“Why, but I’m a dog! But there’s a house on fire! Are you a fireman like I am?” [silence]

Have a nice day.

[I show the Firehouse Dog DVD] What could you say about this movie? Well, Firehouse Dog is clearly a film about an extremely thoughtful, courageous, brave dog who wears sunglasses, which obviously denotes how “cool” the dog is, but he’s also wearing a no-nonsense firefighter helmet, whatever. So I would assume that this dog is going to save a lot of lives, uhm… risk it’s own life, put his own life on the line, in the aim of helping burn victims.

Yes, and he’s going to bite them. Okay. See, I wouldn’t get that from the cover. Maybe if he was starting fires.

What if he’s a fucking rabid dog, because this could be like a horror film. No, he’s wearing those sunglasses.

Those are scary sunglasses! No, he’s no-nonsense, dude and he’s got… it looks like a whistle or something. I can’t tell.

Let’s… let’s… I’ll be the firehouse dog and I’ll be the protagonist. What’s the protagonist? The protagonist is obviously the firehouse dog.

It’s gotta be a human protagonist. Probably his loyal, faithful… fuckin’ owner. He’s probably named Chuck or something.

You be Chuck, I’ll be the dog. Okay.

“Hey, Chuck, I’m kinda hungry!” “Listen, firehouse dog! Nothing is free in America. You have to work to get fed.”

“Ah… ah… there’s a fire.” Okay, later. “I’ve just saved some people, now can I eat?” “Yes, here’s some Kibbles ‘n Bits, fully endorsed by the Kibbles ‘n Bits corporation.”

“Delicious Kibbles and BIIIITES!” “Do you want some Beggin’ Bites, Firehouse Dog?”

“Yes.” “Alright, since you saved that small child…”

“I think his name was Little Timmy.” “Oh yeah. Remember how you carried him majestically on your back?”

“I sure do, gosh, what’s gonna happen now?” “I don’t know. Oh there’s another fire! What are we gonna do Firehouse Dog?”

“I guess we’ll have to save some people.” “I’m not feeling too well, I think you’ll have to go it alone!”

“But I can’t drive, I don’t have opposable thumbs!” “It doesn’t matter Firehouse Dog, use your will. Use your will and God will direct you there. You’ll make it. Just keep firemen and firefighting in your heart and you’ll prevail.”

“I’m gonna have Kibbles ‘n Bits first.” “It’ll give energy, like Popeye.”