This weekend I had a birthday party, so I took the opportunity to interview one of my most entertaining drunk friends.
What were you just listening to?We were listening er… to the uh… Tampax [the band not the feminine product] eetalyan version uhv egsaktly uhv uh whadth I thoughth ish shouldth be-uh…
Which was? I dunno.
What have you been doing tonight? Mostly justuh kinduhv… making myee penis larjerr than ith actually iz… which iz fromuh seven to uh eighth inches…
Does it please the ladies? Wayl… ith makes them make funny sounds sometyehmes, ya know, and thas would Uh look for… if I uh…(clears throat)… if I take theeuh… tha ringsidth uhv my index finger andth pulse ith to the uh… to the knuckle-syid… that kindth uhv goes out… and uh… uh huh huh… moov ith to where I wan ith ith makes a slapping soudth…
I see. Wayall at the same time iz uh… wet andth lubricated… really…
Really? And who have you been doing this with? The lasth time I didth anything like this was with uh prostitoot… she wuz red-head but she wuz very decent and very clean too and she smelled nice…
Where did you find this prostitute? I doh remember.
Could you guess? Yeah, I foun’ her on my uh… heh… on heh… my foo-tonn…
Really? Yeah, it wuz jush kina like one uhv those things where you geth-uh index finger wet andth then pull out, and ya know…
But she appeared magically on your futon? [long pause] Mmm… yehs… duh heh heh…
That never happens to me. Buth the thing abouth ith wuz thath I didn’th hav ta pay ‘er… she wuz just basically a whore ta me…
Well, that’s not nice you shouldn’t think of people like that. Noow! She didnth think uhv herself either, I mean I wouldnth think about hurr as a whorrer. I wouldth think uhv hurr more as justuh fuckeeng gurrl… juss lyk some fuckeeng chick… just a gurrl.
Just like that No Doubt song, are you a fan of No Doubt? Nah… thee No Doubt?… thee band No Doubt?
Thee. Me! No, noth necessarily, actually noth…
Not at all? [ponders loudly] Arrrrr… maybe justh a liddle bith…
About what percentage would you say? Uh fayeh uhv No Doubt, prolley-uh… ’bout 0.65…
So you’re a 0.65 percent fan of No Doubt. Fan uhv tha ban’ No Doubt.
And there’s no doubt about that. Errrr… whath…?
You’re poking your… you’re picking your nose? Forget that question. I’m fugging annihilating nose hairs…
How does one annihilate nose hairs? Eyy pick them outh… pluck them out and eyy through them away…
Where are you throwing them? I dunno… the ashtrayees…
What? Into the ashtrays.
Do you like those ashtrays? Yes, they’re very charming… ha heh ha heh heh heh…
Did they say hi to you? Pardon?
Did they say hi to you? [sighs] Eyhahehim… didth ashtrays say hi ta me, hey Tage I dunno what yer talking about, man. Didth the ashtrays that I putth my fucking nostril hairs into say hi to me?
Yeah, did they say, “Hello, Brian how are you?” I’m nah even interested in that…I’m not interested in weather yer fugging ashtrays say hi to me…
Yeah, fuck those ashtrays. Really? Excellent!
Did you have fun at the party tonight? Yes I dih, ya-oh, I probably noth gunna remember much uhv it… uh… I do not most uhv it… [mumbling to himself] mossuhveverythings… butcheah! I suhpose if I’m not like-uh… eating myself silly at a fuckeeng 24-hour dinurr then… ah hih huh hinh… ya know, happy.
Well, that’s good. Do you get really full at–?Yes I get very fat! Uhm… ya know, I’m overweight I way up to two hundret and siktee pouns…
You don’t look 260 pounds. Thass all in tha muscle… I mean thass wah they sais or in tha mustache, iss all in tha mussle or in tha mustache…
You don’t have a mustache. I don’t?
No, you don’t. You have facial hair, but you don’t have a mustache. Wuhl, whatiffeyytaykthissauce?
What sauce? Efeyytaykthissauce.
If you took that off that’s not like not even a pound that’s like 0.0001 percent of a pound…OH SHI-HIT! Oh, wayl… huh heh heh huh heh… ayh… thassuh thassuh alotta hair though… you gotta admit!
Did you talk to some people tonight? Yeah.
Who were they? Who were they? Wayl, I taut to my fren’ Bill Argonaut…
Did you like talking to Bill Argonaut? Usually when I taut tuh Bill Argonaut… iss juss kinduhv likuh… talking ta other indivishuals… becuzuh… talking to other indivishuals iz kinduhv a reflection uhv a good friend uv mine…
Would you say you were a loving person? [long pause] Wayl, I taut to uh…Saralee… an’ mossly likth with Saralee ith kindth uhv like ya know… eh… an arm aroun tha waisth kinda thing, ya know? Anth I geth my kicks off uh thath… anduh heh huh heh…becuz iss fun anduh… also I taut to-uh… other individuals essentially buthuh… huh huh huh… all thath iz kindth uhv a reflexive memory… basicallee speaking conversations, unless ith directs itselfing towards a purpose… mos’ speesh an conversashun don’t.
What? Mos’ speeshanconversashun doehnt direct… at D-U-N-T… not ‘don’t’ but ‘dunt’ direct itself towards [verbally ponders] ayareh… purses… undehruh…
Purses? Perr… ay… uh… doehnt direct itself turns ay… pahn… pahr… pairsons!
Persons? Errr… aainnd aifter ya know I mean… specificlair… whateh the English language isuh a representashun aouff… an am-al-gam-ay-shuns auv an individjeral sherlf.
What’s a sherlf? Self.
Oh, one’s self!Yes, an am-al-ger-may-shuns auv arl one’s serlf! Thatsuh non-academic waeee to descriyeeb ay uh… mentally retarded state of mind…
I think so.At’s not true probabley… if I could beeyer stupid… I would beyer… ah ha ha… I fink es eyr… heh huh huh… issa human ideyer auv languaj is the ideeyer auv luff… auv universal languaj has anything to dowoo with anything at all… then uh… huh heh heh… yer makes no sense… thass like thuh whole fuckin’ thing withuh ‘ghetto ayge’ yaknowwhateymean?The whole fucking ‘ghetto ayge’ is coming to an endth, thuh whole new kindalike gangsta shit… [he continues but I’ve lost interest]