The worst songs ever written, part one*

Sometimes, songs should never be recorded, or even considered for recording. The songs below match this description, and defy all sanity.

“I Want Your Sex”

George Michael

If this song was titled “I Would Really Enjoy Getting To Know You Better On a Deeper and More Personal Level,” we would’ve never heard it. It’s the filthy, no good “sex” that gives this song its unwarranted attention.

This is audio porn and, like porn, it relies solely on the novelty of humping. All pooty, no substance. This same irresponsible approach to sex landed George in jail after the men’s room incident with the cop. Not even an Elton John duet can save him now.

“Amazed”

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Lonestar

“Bayby, ahma Amazed bah Yooooouuuu…” County crossover is unjust punishment for the U.S.’s marginalization of the backwards, podunkle South. Call it Nashville’s revenge, or Texas’ succession. Cooking instructions: pour two cups of Alan Jackson, stir in three tea spoons of Bryan Adams, sprinkle with some over-production, microwave until soft and chewy.

“Lady Willpower”

Garry Puckett & The Union Gap

“Lady…Will Power / it’s now or never / bring your love to me.” To know it is to hate it. Neil Diamond takes a lot of the crap that Gary Puckett deserves for awful early ’70s Vegas lounge rock. Also responsible for “Young Girl,” (“Young girl /get out of my mind /my love for you is way out of line.”) which I believe is the same exact song. Simply unforgivable.

“Together Forever”

Rick Astley

Soap stars and models should never stray from their soft-filtered confines into the recording industry (that means you Natalie Imbrugagoogalia). Sounding like Morrisey with a chest cold and looking every bit as ridiculous, Rick Astley invaded MTV without relent in 1987. With the talent level of Max Headroom, Astley shot up the charts with this cut and the equally disturbing, “Never Gonna Give You Up.” My sister used to bump this on the way to tennis practice.

“Cheeseburger in Paradise”

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Jimmy Buffett

No list is complete without this crusty old parrothead. Look at that song title. Go ahead. Is there anything more surburban-white-middle class-Baby Boomer-American than sucking on a cheeseburger down in Margaritaville? This is music for all those uncles with cut-off jean shorts and Woody Woodpecker tattoos.

“Cheeseburger in paradise/ Medium rare with mustard ‘be nice / Heaven on earth with an onion slice/ I’m just a cheeseburger in paradise.” He wrote that in a hot tub.

*If you have any suggestions for part two of “The Worst Songs Ever,” email them to us @ [email protected]