There’s got to be a morning after…

It’s the morning after a night of shame and debauchery (or a night drinking shot for shot with your cat) and the skull splitting pain that you’re experiencing is making you wonder if you’ll ever drink again. Well buck up, Kitten, you’ll drink again and sooner than you think.

Trust me, I’ve been there before, waking up in a position that a master contortionist could only pull off in their wildest dreams. Mouth tasting like the backside of a sweaty hobo and clothes that smell worse than the bottom of an ash tray. Each time, I’ve sworn off the devil’s drink and to go legit, but that’s not the case. We both know this, so to help you get back into fighting shape, here are a few hangover cure-alls that’ll make you right as rain.


Now, I know alcohol is the last thing on your mind to toss back into that churning inferno of hellfire that you’re calling your stomach right now, and your body is right to tell you no. But some swear by it, so it’s here in the list. If you go this route, drink something where alcohol isn’t the main ingredient, say, like a Bloody Mary or a Mimosa. Or if you’re feeling saucy, shotgun one of those beers still left in your fridge. It’ll make you feel better now, but later, you may regret it.

Hydrogen dioxide

Good ol’ H2O, water, aqua, the stuff that some people only drink from bottles distributed by Coke. This is actually a must if you want to survive after your apocalyptic night of drinking. Come on, after all those trips to the bathroom, if you’re not a dried up husk of your former self, then congrats to you. Trust me, even if all the beer you drank the night before tasted mostly like water, you still need to get some water in your system. So drink up!

Pickle juice or sports drinks

Now, seriously, hear me out on this: pickle juice. It works…well, at least it feels like it works. Just like the various “Ade” sports drinks out there, pickle juice has a bunch of salty electrolytes that help your body retain water and keep you hydrated. ­Seriously, pickle juice, it’s what drunks crave.


Come on! If you don’t already know about this, then you need to have some Irish confetti (there’s a term to look up on Urban Dictionary) knocked into the side of your head. Brunch is to Portland like single-gear bikes are to hipsters. Just drag yourself out of bed, off the bathroom floor, or out of the gutter and go. You don’t have to go far. There’s probably a restaurant serving brunch within a block of where you live. While you’re there, get everything else that’s mentioned above and get yourself fixed up.