616 N.W. 21st Ave.
“The Wild Parrots of Telegraph Hill” 7, 9, Sat.-Mon. 1, 3, 5
A homeless man from Vancouver, WA. moves to San Francisco to take on caretaking responsibilities for wild parrots. I just hope director Judy Irving considers a Crocodile Dundee-esque reversal for the sequel, wherein several parrots from San Francisco fly up to Vancouver to care for wayward meth-heads.
2021 S.E. Hawthorne Blvd.
“Melinda and Melinda” 5:30, 9:25
This groundbreaking Woody Allen film tells a tale that is equally tragic and comedic – an experience you can get much, much cheaper by watching retarded children.
“Schultze Gets the Blues” 7:20
A salt miner (Schultze) gets laid off, drinks beer and plays the accordion, proving once and for all that E. Germans really do have more fun!
Clinton St. Theater
2522 S.E. Clinton St.
“The Big Lebowski” 7, 9:15, Sat. Sun. 4
This now-famous film about the quintessential L.A. slacker stars Jeff Bridges, who hasn’t made a decent film since 1982’s “Tron.” Come to think of it, there haven’t been any decent films since 1982’s “Tron.”
829 S.W. Taylor St.
“Lost Embrace” 7, 9, Sun. 5
Small time merchants in a Buenos Aires shopping mall struggle with identity as they search for their Latin-American, European, Asian and Jewish roots. Why can’t they just do as we in the U.S. do – call yourselves “foreign” and be done with it! Silly foreigns.
4122 N.E. Sandy Blvd.
“Eating Out” (Call theater for showtimes)
A straight guy pretends to be gay to woo a hot chick with a thing for gay guys. Who, exactly, does this film appeal to?
“Happy Hour” (Call theater for showtimes)
Eric Stoltz, proving that he can tackle any role, plays the protagonist’s best friend in this indie film that takes place mostly in a bar.
6712 S.E. Milwaukie Ave.
“The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” 5:30, 7:35
Greetings, science fiction fans! “Hitchhiker’s” author Douglas Adams advises to always bring a towel, and that advice couldn’t be more appropriate here – there’ll be more cum flying around this theater than at a Vogon open-mic night.
7229 N.E. Sandy Blvd.
“Star Wars Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith” 3, 5:55, 8:45, Sat. Sun. 12:05
“Revenge of the Jizz-soaked Popcorn Tubs!”
1219 S.W. Park Ave.
“In the Realms of the Unreal” 7
People who decide to see this film instead of “Star Wars” are doing so only to look cooler and smarter than you and I. Their loss!