1. Single Santa seeks Mrs. Claus
STEVE GUTTENBERG! While I enjoy all the cinematic endeavors of Steve Guttenberg, this is a ridiculous movie with a ridiculous title that is sure to induce your gag reflex as Steve looks for a wifey ’cause he is taking up the post of Saint Nick in the next year.
2. Jingle all the Way
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER uses a jetpack. Arnie and Sinbad try to get the same toy for their kids. Hilarity ensues. Plus, Phil Hartman (heart).
3. Christmas with the Cranks
Tim Allen is at it again with a holiday-related movie about setting up house for his daughter coming home for Christmas. Like 20-year-olds actually care if the holiday lights are better than the neighbors.
4. Fred Claus
Vince Vaughn’s movies have exponentially decreased in quality, and Fred Claus is at the bottom of the barrel. It also has Kevin Spacey acting as “efficiency expert”, threatening to shut the North Pole down.
5. Deck the Halls
Another awful movie about rivaling neighbors and their over the top decorations, with not-so-awful actor Matthew Broderick. What is up, Spacey, Broderick, why are you in these flicks? You deserve better. We deserve better.
6. Ernest Saves Christmas
Ernest gets “His Great Red Oneness, the Claus” in his cab, and shit begins to get messed up with Santa going senile and his replacement demanding too much. It gets really bad when Ernest, probably the stupidest character ever, is the one relied on to save Christmas.
7. Surviving Christmas
In the wise words of Trey Parker and Matt Stone, “Ben Affleck sucks,” who plays a rich douche bag (what’s new?), but the supporting cast ain’t half bad, with performances from James Gandolfini, Christina Applegate and my fave, Catherine O’Hara.
8. Eyes Wide Shut
Leaving my feelings for Stanley Kubrick aside and the fact that it is not technically a Christmas movie, but set during the holidays, Eyes Wide Shut is abhorrent nonetheless. Weird sex societies and Tom Cruise being a creepster, it is sure to make you cut your wrists by the 30-minute mark.
9. Jack Frost (1996)
The tagline for this movie is “He’s chillin’… and killin’.” What, why didn’t it win the Oscar? Oh yeah, horror and Christmas just don’t go together, so don’t try. Brilliant rendition of Shannon Elizabeth getting raped with a carrot, though.
10. Santa with Muscles
HULK HOGAN! Hogan plays an evil millionaire who believes he is Santa. Wait, do holiday movies always incorporate a steroid junkie/bad actor? Seems to be the norm (see No. 3).