Dirty
35 NW 3rd Ave.
You’ve no doubt heard of this place from your more unsavory friends—the kind you casually know from work or some other area where you’re forced to hang out. This is one of those types of places where the bouncer will withhold entry if you’re not dressed exactly like everyone else, when the staff wears bulletproof vests and all sorts of other ridiculous garbage. What’s more, Dirty touts itself as a “dance club” when it has no dance floor; thus, if you try to dance, you’re covered in beer and cocktails in six seconds. Getting laid here is pretty easy, I guess, which is both a pro and a con.
Dixie Tavern
34 NW 3rd Ave.
If you’ve ever tried to drive through the Northwest Third and Couch area around 2 a.m. on a Saturday night, the human wasteland you’ve had to traverse has been 49 percent Dixie and 49 percent Dirty. Dixie Tavern is owned by Concept Entertainment, who via no personal vendetta holds three of the top five spots on the list. Dixie is supposed to be “Portland’s ‘Coyote Ugly'” in that you’re served by people who vaguely resemble the movie stars in the film. Unlike the real Coyote Ugly, however, the drinks are weak and the atmosphere is about as forced as you can possibly imagine. It’s advertised everywhere that the bartenders dance on the bar. Ooo! Choreographed spontaneity! They also have a mechanical bull—surprised?
Grand Central Bowling Lounge
839 SE Morrison St.
If you can imagine the kind of people who wouldn’t set foot in a “normal” bowling alley because “it’s too dirty” or “not modern enough” or “only old men hang out at bowling alleys,” then you can imagine the clientele here. Because this is another Concept Entertainment joint, the drinks and bowling are hyper-expensive (an hour of bowling: $48) and so is the intellectual cost you face when trying to chat up the person next to you. True story: A guy I know once got threatened there for wearing a purple shirt. As the flock of Chads rescinded, they were talking about how much they benchpress. That said, this is the type of place you go to if you absolutely believe that bowling needs lasers.
Mall 205 McMenamins
9710 SE Washington St.
As Portlanders, when we think of McMenamins, we think of old repurposed buildings—throwbacks to simpler times, when architecture was pure and reflected dedication to a trade. We think of the famous Kennedy School, Crystal Ballroom, we think of Edgefield. What we don’t think of is a brick-and-beige operation with a blocky orange neon sign reading “MCMENAMINS” that shares its space with an America’s Best eyeglass shop. Here you’ll find the standard McMenamins fare—burgers, tater tots, Ruby beer and drawings of celestial bodies with faces. What you won’t find is any sort of charm. Zero. Why does this place even exist?
Gypsy Velvet Lounge
625 NW 21st Ave.
Imagine, if you can, a bar that prides itself on offering karaoke and all the UFC fights. Almost no more needs to be said, but I will anyway. Another Concept Entertainment turd, the Gypsy (and God only knows why it’s called that) is that loud bar surrounded by residential area that you wish would just go away. Ruckuses of every type spill out into the streets when bar time is up. And you’re not safe inside, either—expect to hear the entire Journey catalogue before you get to sing here, and thrice over if you plan on sticking around after.