Aeon Flux
Dec. 2
In addition to tricking us all into believing it was profound by never making a lick of sense, the appeal of MTV’s animated show “Aeon Flux” was the grotesqueness of Aeon’s angular body and a full cast of half-naked, eerily androgynous characters. It doesn’t follow that Charlize Theron, one of the only actresses in Hollywood today that isn’t shaped like a nine-year-old boy, should be chosen to play her in the upcoming live-action remake. Doomed from the beginning.
The Shaggy Dog
March 10
As if the old version didn’t suck enough. Almost 50 years ago, “The Shaggy Dog” was an only slightly obnoxious film about the madcappery that occurs when a boy transforms into a dog. This time America’s favorite tool man Tim Allen jive-talks, gets kicked in the nuts, humps legs and pisses on carpets. Kind of like your grandpa.
Rent
Today
Some argue that a movie adaptation of Broadway smash “Rent” is a bad idea because the material is so dated. I might agree, seeing as the problem of homophobia has been fixed and AIDS has been cured, but the real reason “Rent” should be avoided is director Chris Columbus’ incredible knack for turning even solid gold into a bubbling river of feces. He must be God’s nephew.