TV in Print

Welcome to another television week dominated by “American Idol.” Since the show is still in the audition stage, there is guaranteed hilarity as tone-deaf wannabes strut their stuff and bitch about the judges in the parking lot. For those unamused by ordinary people humiliating themselves, Fox’s “Skating With Celebrities” and ABC’s “Dancing With the Stars” have famous people kinda maybe making fools of themselves. And for those who shudder when they hear the phrase “reality TV,” shows such as “The O.C.,” “South Beach,” “Grey’s Anatomy” and “Desperate Housewives” weave a wicked tale of beautiful people and their ugly problems. With all this great programming on your television set for free, aren’t you glad corporations stole the public airwaves?

“American Idol”

The skinny kid from Greensboro who dresses like Michael Jackson and forgets the words to “Thriller” is easily one of the funniest people I’ve ever seen. His paper-thin falsetto, his close to spot-on dance moves, his two white gloves – it’s all prelude to when his falsetto drops and he whines “ohhh man -” because he’s forgotten the lyrics. Since the old King of Pop is moving to the Middle East, give this kid the crown.


“Dancing with the Stars”

Master P has not been eliminated yet. I repeat: Master P remains dancing. And it’s making us all say "Unghh." In other news, former 98 Degrees member Drew Lachey got high marks from the judges for his “Thriller”-themed dance, but he’s got nothing on the dude from Greensboro.


“South Beach”

Why does this show attempt drama? None of the actors, with the exception of Vanessa Williams, have the slightest idea how to convey any emotion beyond anger, lust or greed. The girl who plays Ariel is from the Mischa Barton school of acting, which means a lot of squinting, lip curling and the kind of poor-me faces that make you want to slap her. Someone should tell the producers of this show that it lacks pathos; too bad they’d have no idea what that meant.


“The O.C.”

Marissa’s little sister is super hot, but the show’s producers lead us to believe she’s only 15 years old. The actress playing her is actually 14, which means the show purposely wants its male audience (if it even has one anymore) to drool over a 14-year-old girl. Joe Lieberman, a nation turns its lonely eyes to you. Anyway, Marissa’s little sis Kaitlin is dating surfer Johnny, the public school kid who’s still in love with Marissa, while Seth is smoking pot to calm his nerves for his interview with Brown Admissions. Unfortunately, the pot makes him forget about the interview and he spends the rest of the show pondering why he’s stuck on the sinking ship known as "The O.C."


“Grey’s Anatomy”

I challenge anyone to make it through an entire episode of this show. There will be a commercial break in which you’ll have to ask yourself “Do I really care that Meredith is brokenhearted because Derek left her to return to his prenatal-doctor wife? Can I actually extend sympathy to an ex-model doctor who had to give up a child for adoption in high school?” And no matter how much you want to answer “yes” or even just “maybe” to those questions, you’ll sigh and change the channel.