Unsure and OK

Teenagers have no idea who they are sexually, and that’s OK.

This isn’t just teenagers though. It applies to anybody who is new to the sexual scene. I’m going to really show my nerd credibilities here and say that sex is like the Melange spice from the Dune series, which is to say it’s powerful, it’s important and it’s different for every person and occasion. Due to this, it is really impossible to know yourself sexually until you’ve got a decent amount of experience under your belt. A few decades worth, actually.

A person’s sexual tastes change a lot in the beginning, but also later on. If you read Dan Savage’s column, for example, you will find dozens of letters to the effect of “My spouse of 30 years and I are still in love, but their tastes have changed, and we don’t know what to do!” As the old saying goes: The only thing constant is change.

That isn’t a bad thing, even if it can sometimes cause complications and make people feel awkward. First, it is vital to remember that what you think you want and like now will change. To that end, it’s important to always strive to be GGG. What is that? Well, it’s an acronym that Dan Savage came up with that stands for “Good, Giving and Game.”

It is important to try to be good at sex (more on that later), giving and supportive for your partner, and game to try new things. I’m not saying that you have to say yes to everything—far from it. I am saying that being open-minded and non-judgmental will help you discover a lot of things you never thought you’d enjoy.

Anyway, being new to sex, especially when you are a teenager, is stressful. You are trying to find yourself as a person and as a sexual being, right when you are expected to be transitioning into an adult. Furthermore, you don’t really know what you like because you haven’t actually tried much. As I said above, that’s OK. Don’t stress out about it.

One of the biggest stress factors in sex for many people is being good at it, and since it’s the first G in GGG, I thought I’d touch on this. To put it bluntly, people are almost always kind of mediocre when they are new at sex, just as most people are kind of mediocre whenever they try something new. As I said before, that’s fine and to be expected.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE disregard the “advice” that gossip rags like Cosmopolitan Magazine offer. The advice is usually stupid and un-arousing at best, and actively hazardous at worst. Cracked.com has an older article about Cosmo “sex tips” that can get you hospitalized. I recommend reading that because it is funny, and it also provides excellent examples of how shockingly stupid the sex tips in wastes of paper like that magazine are.

These are the bits of advice I would offer to people still discovering themselves sexually:

1. Always be safe. I mean both in terms of physical location and also in using condoms and other forms of birth control/STI preventers.
2. Relax. Seriously, it’s amazing how much better sex gets when people are not nervous and stressed out.
3. Listen to your partner. Ask them what they want and what feels good. Listening to your partner’s feedback is really the quickest way to improve.
4. Talk to your partner. Giving constructive, honest and kind feedback is the quickest way to help your partner improve.
5. Keep an open mind and be willing to try new things. Also, never hesitate to discuss any nervousness you may have about a new thing: Honest, caring and kind communication is fantastic.
6. Start slow. Much like you didn’t try to drive a Formula-1 race car the day you got your drivers license, don’t jump straight into dungeon rape scenarios when you start out being kinky. Whatever it is you are doing, start out slow and communicate throughout.

Keep these simple little suggestions in mind, and you should have a more enjoyable and fulfilling path as you come into your own. Wishing you a happy, long and fulfilling sexual development.