Vanguard gift guide

Bridger Mountain Man Coyote Fur Hat
Cost: $199.99
Ever want to scare the crap out of someone without resorting to stupid gimmicks? Would you like to ensure that you never have to worry about sitting next to someone on the bus ever again? Do you hate daily interactions with other humans?

Well, buy this completely creepy, really freaking scary coyote fur hat and you will never have to speak to anyone again. This thing is so hideous you will clear a room instantly. And don’t worry about maintaining friendships; those are out of the question.

Vegan condoms
Cost: The risk of them not working
You wouldn’t want to hurt an animal while getting it on, would you? Make sure you make love the super animal safe way, with Glyde vegan condoms. Buy them at www.glydehealth.com.

Old block cell phone
Cost: Street cred
With a retro block cell phone that weighs 10 pounds, you can transform any chump into the Zach Morris of Portland State.

Newer cell phones might have all the bells and whistles, a sleek design and enhanced functionality, but block cell phones are so much better. Why? Well, can you hold open a door, build a house or knock someone out with your iPhone? Didn’t think so.

Personal “Sustain, sustain, sustain” newsprint Wim Wiewel
Cost: Vanguard newspapers
Another homemade favorite, the personal Wim Wiewel life-size model can be easily made out of old issues of the Vanguard, some tape (glue will work in a pinch), some yarn and a little love.

To make the body of our new university president, crumple up some old Vanguards, and then use other Vanguards to wrap around the “stuffing” to create the individual body parts. 

When making the head, use the tape to attach yarn for Wim’s hair. For added fun, hide the finished president behind the tree and place a recorded tape that says, “Sustain, sustain, sustain.” A sure fire hit for friends and family alike!

Stray dog or cat
Cost: Free! (discounting the time and effort spent obtaining said cat or dog)
Pets are adorable. This is a fact. Also a fact: The Humane Society will charge you 50 freaking bucks to adopt the exact same species of animal that is running around free of charge in many of Portland’s finer alleyways and poorly-tended warehouses. Sure, they may be a little ornery and have a few diseases that are yet unnamed in Western cultures, but these adorable little scamps will make an excellent and cost-effective gift. Rabies vaccination recommended.

The X-Files: The Complete Third Season
Cost: $89.99
I think we’ve pretty firmly established by this point that the ’90s were a holy hell of a lot cooler than the ’00s. Observe: Tech bubble > real estate bubble. N*Sync > Jonas Brothers. Clinton boning Lewinsky on a pool table > Clinton boning his lawfully married wife in a fit of silent, shameful tears. Oh, and X-Files > Lost. Even if the second film installment soured your appetite for Mulder and Scully, this penultimate season should revive it with a passion. Mix with “Macarena” and overly optimistic venture capitalists for an authentic ’90s experience.

Leftover Starbucks gift cards
Cost: $5 or less
Unimaginative and ubiquitous, $5 Starbucks gift cards are the fruitcake of the digital generation! Nothing says “happy holidays” like a cold, impersonal, three-inch-wide piece of plastic, slightly scuffed and bent from its time spent in the dark and harrowing nether regions of your backpack.

The Uroclub
Cost: $24.95
For all the golfing enthusiasts in your life, the Uroclub will make your pal the most envied on the green. Why? It’s a club you can pee into! That’s why. 

The makers of the Uroclub leave you this scene to ponder: “How many times has this happened? You’re playing 18 holes with your best buddies, drinking sport-ades, water, beer, etc. You’re coming up to the third hole with no restroom in sight. There are no trees or bushes around and you just have to go, what are you going to do?”

I am going to buy my dad two. Just in case.

Sports fans can always hope to capitalize on recent retirements and trades by capturing jerseys, baseball cards, posters and the newest and most annoying of sports paraphernalia, the Fathead.

I am unsure why anyone would want a nearly life-sized replica of a walking knee injury, but according to Fathead, these are going fast.

The mic has three sound modes actually made to sound like different sports atmospheres and comes complete with announcing tips and calls from Steve Levy, who must have lost some horrible office pool at the worldwide leader to volunteer for this assignment.

The Beer Belly
Cost: $34.95
It’s a pouch you hide on your stomach and put a beer in, so you can sneak booze into events. It’s perfect for people who are too dumb to use flasks.

Butt Crack Calendar
Cost: $13.95
In case you don’t see enough crack in your day-to-day routine. 

The Associated Press Stylebook
Cost: $18.95
Perfect for any Vanguard editors that you know.

PMR-II Dowsing Rod
Cost: $1,695
It’s not just for water anymore! Find your own gold, diamonds, silver or copper. Traditional mining is for suckers. Make your millions with this little baby–it’ll pay for itself in mere hours.