Going to be alone, depressed, drinking beer and feeling sorry for yourself on Thanksgiving? Again? The Vanguard knows how that goes. The worst part of a lonely holiday is the empty promise tradition offers. So ditch that turkey sandwich and glimmer of hope, because these delicious recipes are guaranteed to make you fill with real magic of holiday pity.
Hey, it beats that stinging numbness, right? And no cooking required!
The Main Course
"Aunty Anna’s One and Only"
Turkey-shaped Spam
1 can of Spam
1 tablespoon mustard
2 slices of Wonderbread – BIG
2 tablespoons sweet or dill relish
Have your friend and eat him, too. Trim your luscious slab of Spam, cutting off just enough to fashion tail feathers, wings, neck and head for your turkey. Cut out slots for the turkey’s extremities. Imagine a live and juicy bird squatting on your plate and the shape will come naturally. Assemble your fabulous foul and gently place him on a jumbo slice of Wonderbread. Now decorate your turkey with mustard and give him a grass-like bed of relish to frolic in. Feeling especially masochistic? Try this dish with "Spam with Cheese."
"Treasure’s Lonely Stuffing"
1 can corned beef hash
1 slice slightly stale Wonderbread
1 packet pork-flavored Ramen seasoning
Mix ingredients in a regular-sized bowl. Microwave and enjoy. Sigh and say, "I guess it’s just you and me, Mr. Stuffing." Weep as Mr. Stuffing shrinks away and ultimately abandons you for someone with a better car.
"Thank Goodness for Taters and Gravy"
1 can Chef Boyardee Spaghetti
1 cup instant mashed potatoes
If you can see through your tears, read the directions, add water to the potatoes, and shove it in the microwave. Pour the spaghetti into a strainer. The sauce is extra thick, so ball it up in your fists and squeeze out the excess. If that doesn’t work, wail hopelessly at the heavens, use your trembling hands to smear the spaghetti on your face, and fall to your knees in anguish. Now wipe your hands on the rim of the bowl. There you have it – a full-bodied, tangy gravy to top your creamy taters.
Side Dishes
"Edible Horn o’ Plenty"
With pork rinds, Fritos and dried beef chunks
1 box Fruit by the Foot
1 bag Pork Rinds (spicy)
1 bag Chili Cheese Fritos
1 teriyaki beef stick
1 past due bill
I know it’s the only mail you get, but go ahead, open that goddamn phone bill and twist it into a funnel. Staple or duct-tape it together. Wrap it with assorted strands of Fruit-by-the-Foot. Beautiful. Now place on a Styrofoam plate and stuff with the goodies of your choice. The Vanguard suggests the robust chili flavor of Fritos and the moist undertones of greasy pork rind. The teriyaki rounds off this succulent dish with just a hint of whimsical exoticness. In addition, the brain-cell-slaughtering power of this mix will knock you into a comfort food coma. You’ll finally be at peace.
"Spiced Spaghetti Nooses"
Wrap left over noodles from "Thank Goodness for Taters and Gravy" around and around and around themselves. Dust with liberal amounts of salt – pretend the salt shaker is an angry, vengeful god and the spaghetti nooses are your wounds. But don’t get any stupid ideas.
"Borsht-Flavored Cranberry Sauce"
1 small can beets
A six-ounce can of beets is cheaper than cranberry sauce, and they’re even the same color!
Dessert
"Sweet and Sour Loaf"
Little Debbie crack snack no-cook pineapple upside-down cake
1 box Little Debbie Oatmeal Creme Pies
1 box Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls
1 can crushed pineapple
1/2 cup maple syrup
Cut cakes into itty-bitty pieces. Smoosh them into bread pan. Strain pineapple well and mix thoroughly with maple syrup. Slap the mixture onto your artificially delicious loaf of snacky cake. It tastes like cardboard, but so does everything else in this godforsaken world… and it’s so gray outside. I – I think it’s going to rain. Sigh.