Video Fun with Biff

What’s the fastest way to get from point A to point B? Why, in a straight line of, course! However, when you’re out there on the open road, billions of things (like Johnny Law) can get in your way and make you take the “scenic route.”

Well, this week, kiddies, we’re going to take a look at what happens to Hollywood’s favorite heartthrobs and throbbettes as they throw caution to the wind and take that almost always ill-fated road trip.

Sometimes road trips aren’t really planned. Sometimes they are thrust upon you. Of course, sometimes a creepy store owner tries to rape you, and then you shoot him, and then you and your brother and your closest friends hop in a station wagon and drive all over Texas because you think the police just won’t understand.

Sound familiar? Well, of course it does. It’s the plot of 1985’s “The Legend of Billie Jean.” When Biff was just a wee lad, he would ride his Raleigh Racer (which sported front AND back pegs, if you don’t mind my saying) down to the video store and rent this Helen Slater-fest over and over again. It’s just that good. Aside from “Supergirl” herself, “Billie Jean” also sports such Hollywood heavyweights as Christian Slater, in his big screen debut, and the voice of Lisa Simpson, Yeardley Smith. And no, Christian and Helen are not related. FAIR IS FAIR!

Speaking of big screen debuts, “Melrose Place” alum Daphne Zuniga made hers in the road trip classic, also from 1985, “The Sure Thing.” Daphne and a very young John Cusack find themselves together on a road trip from “an Eastern college” to California. Daphne’s going to meet her preppy boyfriend. John is going to get laid. No, seriously. That’s the premise. That John Cusack is supposedly so hard up that he will spend his whole spring break driving across the country just to sleep with some girl that his frat house friend, played by Anthony Edwards in his “Revenge of the Nerds” days, has lined up for him.

Gee, do you think the mismatched odd couple in the car together might just find what they are looking for in each other? Because that’s what happens in “Three for the Road.”

This 1987 comedy follows Charlie Sheen, Alan Ruck (Cameron from “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off”) and Kerri Green on their trip to a mental institution somewhere in the South. Well, the boys are taking Kerri Green, one of Biff’s favorites, because her politician daddy doesn’t want her messing up the campaign. Do you think young republican Sheen will fall in love with the misfit daughter of his boss? Of course he does, Biff already told you that. Duh.

Road trips don’t always have to involve young couples who at first hate each other and then slowly fall in love. Take the wonderful “Roadside Prophets,” for example. It’s about two guys who ride motorcycles across the country so one of them can spread the ashes of some biker that he barely knew all around Las Vegas. The two cool bikers just happen to be John Doe of the old school punk band X and Adam Horovitz a.k.a. King Ad-Rock of the Beastie Boys.

This 1992 homage to “Easy Rider” is full of cameos from guys like David Carradine and Timothy Leary. Who can forget John Cusack’s cameo as the dine-and-dasher? Brilliant. Really, though, it’s funny watching Doe be mean to the King Ad-Rock throughout the whole picture. Dionne Warwick was right, that’s what friends are for.

Speaking of friends, maybe your idea of a road trip doesn’t involve angry bikers either. Perhaps it involves a sweet rock band called Cherry Suicide and its mishap-filled tour across the country. Well then, my friend, you should check out one of Biff’s all-time favorite movies, 1985’s “Rockin’ Road Trip.”

Let’s get one thing straight: This movie is awesome. Back before Troma figured out what they were doing, they released this masterpiece, which attempted to cash in on the whole Pat Benatar thing, seeing as how the singer of Cherry Suicide wears leotards.

Anyhoo, whatever they were thinking, it was genius. Biff’s favorite scenes include Ivan the Angry Punk, who is on a road trip of his own to win back the love of his ex-girlfriend, the aforementioned lead singer. Ivan beats up people and does a lot of kicking and gun buying. Brilliant character development. One can only imagine the hilarity when Cherry Suicide plays at a gospel festival in the Deep South. Who will win? Who will lose? Who cares? Will they ever get from point A to point B?

One would sure hope so. Remember, kiddies, road tripping is all fun and games until someone’s angry, crusty punk ex-boyfriend or a state senator comes after you. Then it’s just a sorry rip-off of “The Blues Brothers.” End scene!