Video Fun with Biff

My boss told me she wants video picks about the “best romantic comedies from the 1980s to go along with Valentine’s Day.” I said, “Well, how ’bout the romantic comedies of Patrick Dempsey?” Then, she was all like, “No, a good combination of ’80s romances.” Then I was all like, “Um, yeah, the romantic comedies of Patrick Dempsey ARE the best romance movies from the 1980s.” Sheesh,

Seriously, kids, how could the Biffster do a Valentine’s Day column without bringing up the doctor of love himself, Patrick Dempsey? St. Valentine would roll over in his grave. He knows the score. So instead of sitting there bitching and whining about how nobody loves you on this lovely Hallmark holiday, why don’t you check out one of these wonderful Dempsey flicks? He’ll teach you what love is all about.

Let’s start off with Dempsey’s masterpiece, “Can’t Buy Me Love.” This 1987 love fest has Patrick playing lonely Ronald Miller, a nerdy poor kid who cuts the rich kids’ lawns for money for a telescope. He’s even got the stereotypical black- rimmed nerd glasses and everything. He’s, like, totally geek. Then resourceful lil’ Ronnie gives the head cheerleader $1,000 so she’ll date him for one month and make him cool. Wow, now he’s gone from, like, totally geek, to, like, totally chic. This movie is filled with so many classic scenes, Biff can’t shake his stick at enough of them. There’s the part where Ronald “shits” his old friend Kenneth’s house. There’s the time where everyone follows Ronald’s new National Geographic-inspired dance because he’s “cool.” And who can forget the number of beautiful mousse-filled hairstyles that Ronnie sports throughout the picture. This is what Valentine’s is all about.

That same year, Dempsey starred in the based-on-a-true-story feature “In the Mood.” Basically, Patrick plays Ellsworth “Sonny” Wisecarver a.k.a. The Woo Woo Kid, a 15-year-old in the 1940s who seduced older married women. The two seduced ladies in the picture are played by Talia Balsam and one of Biff’s favorites, Beverly D’Angelo. If a romantic comedy starring Dempsey and the lovely D’Angelo doesn’t scream Valentine’s perfection to you, then Biff feels very sad for you. I mean, come on! Dempsey and D’Angelo? It’s got such a nice ring to it. If you still don’t believe that these older-women seductions can happen, just remember that during the same year as the making of this film, when Dempsey was just 21, he was marrying a 48-year-old woman named Rocky. Biff swears to God. She was his agent. Not God, Rocky. Duh!

If you just can’t get enough of Patrick seducing older women, then check him out in 1989’s “Loverboy”. Patrick plays a poor kid pizza delivery man who ends up being a gigolo to older, married rich women. If you think about it, it’s actually a perfect cross between “Can’t Buy Me Love” and “In the Mood.” Ain’t that just the craziest? Anyhoo, all these ladies are ordering pizza with extra anchovies, and that means that Dempsey’s character Randy has to engage in sexual intercourse with them. Or just talk. Hey, it’s their dollar, right? The crown jewel of this Valentine’s spectacular is the women that keep on ordering all the extra anchovies. Princess Leia herself, Carrie Fisher, wants some anchovies. The “Smart Angel,” Kate Jackson, just can’t get enough of the anchovies. Perhaps the biggest anchovy fan of them all is Rebecca Howe from “Cheers,” that’s right, Kirstie Alley. Can you stand how Valentine’s this is? I thought not.

Last but not least on this list of Dempsey romantic classics is the offbeat comedy “Some Girls.” Biff uses the word “offbeat” loosely here. How often have you gone to stay with your girlfriend and her parents just to have her dump you when you get there, and then you spend the rest of the time getting naked with her sisters? If I had a dollar for every time that happened to me, I’d have like 2.75. Huh? Whatever. All you need to know about this 1988 movie is that Jennifer Connelly is in it and that Patrick shows full frontal. Praise St. Valentine!

Remember, if for some odd reason this stupid “holiday” has you feeling unloved, there are always plenty of Patrick Dempsey movies to watch. Who needs love when you’ve got Dempsey? Have a happy crappy Valentine’s!