Video Fun with Biff

Summer is the time to take life by the shirt collar and tell it what to do. Seize the day. Carpe Diem! Didn’t you learn anything from “Dead Poets Society” or “Awakenings”? Life is a gift, and you must live every day like it’s your last. That is why the Biffster has spent his entire summer watching old-school WWF wrestling. Is there no better way to live? For me, the glory days are 1985 to 1990, and that’s pretty much what I’ve been sticking to. The new stuff that is on TV is garbage and super embarrassing. Well, embarrassing in a completely different way than liking old school, I’ll tell you that. Now believe me, I would love to devote this week’s column to my favorite wrestling videos. I could wax poetic for days about the depth and meaning to be found in “Wrestlemania III” or the Cinderella story that is “The Story of Ken Patera.” However, I doubt anyone would care. So Biff found a loophole. What’s the next best thing to discussing old wrestling tapes? Why, discussing movies about wrestling, sillyhead! It should have been pretty obvious. Come on, stay with me here.

Surprisingly enough, the least absurd movie about wrestling (and you will see the word “absurd” quite frequently in the next few paragraphs), 2000’s “Ready to Rumble,” made way after Biff’s favorite era. What this movie lacks in Hulkamania, it more than makes up for with Rose McGowan-a-mania. That’s right, Biff’s favorite starlet plays the lusty brunette hussy who is out to foil the plans of David Arquette and Scott Caan.

Okay, I need to back up here. The plot of this movie is absurd. The casting? Even more absurd. David Arquette is Biff’s least favorite actor in the whole entire world and is ranked in the comedic realm of Jim Breuer or French Stewart. David yells things. That’s his comedy. Do you know that yelling guy at the party? It’s annoying then, and you’re drunk. Sober, it’s even worse.

This film’s premise is that David and Scott are on a mission to return their favorite wrestler (played by Oliver Platt) to the squared circle. Platt, as always, is terrible and unbelievable as a wrestler. However, “Ready to Rumble” does sport more wrestling cameos than any other wrestling movie, including Diamond Dallas Page, Bill Goldberg, Sting, Bam Bam Bigelow, Mr. Perfect, Psycho Sid Vicious, and everyone’s favorite Slim Jim salesman, “Macho Man” Randy Savage, plus a plethora of other well-known mat stars.

Biff’s second favorite wrestling feature has to be “No Holds Barred.” What this 1989 film lacks in Rose McGowan-a-mania, it more than makes up with in Hulkamania. Or is it Rip-a-mania? In a bizarre move, the Hulkster plays a wrestler named Rip, who gets dragged into the world of underground street fighting. It all leads up to a very non-dramatic showdown against Zeus, who is played by D-Bo of “Friday” fame. Watching this movie now, it’s pretty absurd, but when Biff was a wee Biff of 10 years, this “action” flick had him on the edge of his seat.

Speaking of the edge of the proverbial seat, that reminds Biff of exactly where he was the entire duration of 1987’s made-for-TV masterpiece “Body Slam“: smack dab on that edge, baby. Starring the other wrestling superhero of the ’80s (and a much better actor), “Rowdy” Roddy Piper, and Face of the “A-Team” (Dirk Benedict), this film really captures the golden age of wrestling. How does it do that? Well, by combining wrestling with really bad rock music, of course. Anyone who remembers Cyndi Lauper knows all about that. Face of the “A-Team” is the zany Hollywood agent type who starts a national tour of pro wrestling and rock ‘n’ roll. Other than the superb Scorpions-esque rocking of real-life band Kicks, this wrestling feature includes appearances by such wrestling legends as Lou Albano, Fatu, The Wild Samoans, Barbarian, Classy Freddie Blassie, The Sheik (non-iron), Bruno Sammartino, and the “Nature Boy” Ric Flair. Maybe Biff’s wrong, maybe this is the greatest wrestling movie of all time. Either way, it has Face from the “A-Team.” How can you go wrong?

Whatever you end up doing with your summer, just remember that there are only so many summers in life. You only live once, so don’t waste precious time. Watch as many movies about wrestling as you can. Seize the day. Make Robin Williams proud. Carpe Diem!