Well, bar the door, Katie, it’s winter term! Biff had a great Christmas this year and he got every damn thing he’s ever wanted.
Did you get a mint copy of a 1985 issue of Mad magazine featuring spoofs on professional wrestling and Sylvester Stallone? Well, Biff did.
How about Simpsons Uno? Yep, Biff got that, too.
You mean you didn’t receive “Ernest Saves Christmas” on DVD presented in its original theatrical aspect ratio from Santa?
You better believe Biff received those goodies and whole gang of other wonderful things on the 25th. One thing Biff did not receive for Christmas this year, however, was a new pair of sunglasses. Sure, Biff hasn’t owned a pair of sunglasses since 1987 and it is the middle of winter, but has anyone else noticed how bright it is out there? Sheesh.
Corey Hart had the right idea my friends, perhaps anytime is the right time for a cool pair of shades. More importantly, anytime is the right time for a movie about a cool pair of shades. Observe.
Anyone who knows Biff knows that the man loves old-school wrestling. I’m talking pre-’94 for the WWF and pre-’97 for the WCW, you know that good stuff. Out of this classic era of wrestling emerged one “Rowdy” Roddy Piper, notorious bad guy turned good guy turned mediocre Hollywood actor. After carrying the made-for-TV crapfest that was “Body Slam” in 1987, Piper turned his sights to the big screen.
In 1988, kids everywhere watching Saturday morning wrestling were treated to perhaps the most memorable movie preview of all time, the preview for “They Live.” The preview, as far as I can remember, featured a scene where Piper is holding a press conference in which he states, “I live for two reasons: to chew bubblegum and kick ass (dramatic pause), and I’m all out of bubblegum”. Genius. With one simple catchphrase, the youth of America was hooked. We had to see this picture. The only problem was the R rating kept all of Piper’s biggest fans out of the theaters, which is too bad because, honestly, “They Live” is a pretty solid movie.
Believe it or not, it’s directed by John Carpenter, who you all might remember as the director of the original “Halloween.”
Anyhoo, the whole story revolves around this mysterious pair of sunglasses that Piper’s aimless drifter of a character picks up at some homeless camp. Upon putting them on he discovers their secret power: Get this, there are aliens controlling everything. That’s right, all you paranoid types out there, Piper’s glasses point out the real message behind television and advertising and that is PRODUCE, OBEY, CONSUME and so forth. It’s all about the glasses.
Other than the masterful ad campaign surrounding it, “They Live” is also well known for its infamous fight scene between Piper and Keith David. Biff loves this fight for three different reasons. 1. I swear to God, the fight lasts about five minutes. 2. It’s not some kind of special effects kung fu masterpiece, it’s a plain old street fight. When one of them gets hit, they actually fall down. They just keep getting back up again and again. 3. It’s all about the shades, man. Yeah. “They Live” would make Corey Hart proud.
Speaking of famous Coreys of the 1980s and sunglasses, what about “Dream a Little Dream 2”? What’s that? You never saw the sequel? Well, why should you have? However, now you have a reason. Coreys Feldman and Haim return in their most notorious roles as Bobby and Dinger sans leotard-clad Meredith Salenger from the original picture.
This time, Bobby and Dinger receive a package containing sunglasses while living in a crappy apartment together in Hollywood in 1994. The boys, however, stay true to their 1990 fashion roots and you’ve got to respect that. Moving right along, if someone is wearing one pair of the glasses then they can control what the other person who is wearing them is doing. Hilarity ensues. Biff’s favorite thing about “Dream a Little Dream 2” is not the acting or wonderful action sequences or not even the hysterical laugh-inducing dialogue. No, Biff’s favorite part is definitely the song “Perfect Woman” that is featured in the film, sung by none other than Corey Feldman himself. The kid is a modern day Orson Welles. Remember though, it’s all about the shades, man.
Sure, you could rent “Men in Black” or “Risky Business” or anything that claims to be about sunglasses, but you and I know the truth. We know where to find the real movies about shades and what magical powers they can possess. Corey Hart knew the truth, my faithful readers, he sure did. Just listen to the man’s words: “I wear my sunglasses at night so I can, so I can.”
Godspeed, Corey. Godspeed.