Video Fun with Biff

The old Biffster hasn’t really been doing much sleeping lately. Are you ever just not tired? Ever? That’s Biff. Anyhoo, Biff discovered something wonderful at 4:30 this morning: “Charles in Charge” is on “Nick at Nite.” Oh, glorious life, there is a reason to go on.

The show’s premise was that the college-age Charles lived with the Powells and, in exchange for rent, performed babysitter/housekeeper/all-around-good-guy duties. “Charles in Charge’s” brilliance lies in its sheer datedness, like “Saved by the Bell” to the third power.

Sure, Slater’s got those awful stonewashed jeans with that weird pleated triple waistband thing, but does he top it off with a silk pink shirt with the top three buttons undone? Perhaps, but that’s a bad example. My point is that Biff had completely forgotten about the existence of this lost gem of sitcom history. Biff thought to himself, why?

That’s when it hit me: Biff’s theory of the Curse of “Charles in Charge.” This curse prevents any former cast member of the show from having a legitimate film career after the show ended. Some made a decent attempt, but to no avail. There’s the thesis, let’s bring on the support with documented evidence. Woo!

We’ll start with the show’s title character, baby sitter extraordinaire, Scott to the Baio. This poor guy. You might recognize him as Chachi from late “Happy Days” episodes, but don’t discount the fact he played Charles on television from 1984 to 1990.

Apparently major film directors were quite aware of this judging from Baio’s work after the series wrapped. Most of all of his work is television-related, but there are a few movies to his credit. Be sure to keep your eyes out for 2000’s “Very Mean Men” and “The Bread, My Sweet.” Perhaps you are more in the mood for the 2001 films “Face Value” or “Face to Face”? Biff wishes you luck finding these little treasures, as the “Charles in Charge” Curse has made sure not to make any of these available here in the states.

Sad, indeed.

In all fairness to Baio, he has been hard at work directing all of those WB sitcoms that mean so much to the nation, like “Unhappily Ever After,” “Kirk” and “Nick Freno: Licensed Teacher.” Godspeed, Scott.

What about Willie Aames’ character, Buddy, that crazy, fast-talking dumb kid who was really into objectifying women, partying and coming up with hair-brained schemes to party with said objectified women?

Well, he’s BibleMan, of course. Duh! BibleMan is the Bible-wielding superhero who travels from town to town in some sort of van and just plain Bibles it up. I assume he advises young ones not to party and objectify women, but that’s only a theory.

Once again, you can’t see Willie Aames in a movie post-Charles because they just plain don’t exist. Do you smell a curse? By the by, Biff did not make up that stuff about BibleMan, it’s on video. Rent it immediately.

Perhaps the most successful cast member of the show was Nicole Eggert, who played the oldest Powell daughter, Jamie.

Eggert had a good run there as a lifeguard on the always popular “Baywatch,” but remember, kids, the curse only affects the film career.

Now here’s where Biff’s theory gets a little wishy-washy. Eggert’s post-Charles work is quite prolific in quantity, but not one of these films reached a theater out there. And believe me, these are not artsy independent movies.

Nicole can be found in a bevy of Corey Haim movies, including the unrated-for-nudity “Blown Away,” “Double O Kid” and “Just One of the Girls.” These are all classics as far as Biff is concerned, and she gets major points for all three of these fine features.

Aside from these, check her out in 1995’s “The Demolitionist,” – not to be confused with 1994’s “Demolition Man” – “The Price of Kissing,” “Pink as the Day She Was Born” and 2002’s “Cockroach Hotel.”

Josie Davis, who played middle sibling Sara Powell, hasn’t done much film acting since 1990, limiting it to direct-to-video stuff like “Beach House” and “Badge of Fear.”

Perhaps she was typecast as “the girl with the side ponytail” and directors just couldn’t see past it. I heard that happened to Rudy from the Cosby Show.

Anyhoo, Alexander Polinsky, who played young Adam Powell, didn’t have much luck in Hollywood either. Don’t miss him in “Pumpkinhead II: Blood Wings,” his finest post-Charles film effort. Polinsky’s career after Charles was so dead that he turned to making movie prop collectibles, whatever that means. Not actual movie props, but their collectible counterparts? Who knows?

Yes, loyal readers, the “Charles in Charge” Curse is a reality, affecting the seven actors who used to be on top of the sitcom world.

I think Biff has proven here, without a doubt, that these seven actors will never have a legitimate film career. That’s right, I said seven.

Don’t forget about James T. Callahan, who played Walter Powell, and his performance in “Return of the Living Dead 3,” or Sandra Kerns who played mother, Ellen. Biff thinks that her involvement with the film “C.H.U.D. II – Bud the Chud” pretty much proves his theory single-handedly.

The curse lives on!