Video Fun with Biff

Do you remember Norm MacDonald’s big joke about how Germans loved David Hasselhoff? Well, that was funny because it was true. The point is that celebrities that are long forgotten in these here states are often still idolized and appreciated elsewhere. So when I say that Brigitte Nielsen is big in Denmark, it is also funny because it is totally true. It got Biff to thinking, whatever happened to the 6’1″ star of “Beverly Hills Cop 2”? Well, it turns out that she never really went away. So after an exhaustive two weeks of research, Biff has finally seen every one her fine films and is here to tell what the dilly is.

Her first picture, 1985’s “Red Sonja”, is awesome. She’s got a sword, Arnold Schwarzenegger, the always fantastic karate-kicking Ernie Reyes Jr., and a fake red wig that is to die for. Much sword fighting takes place.

She then moved onto to a supporting role in “Rocky IV”, which wasn’t that great but was way better than “Rocky V”. She ended up marrying lil’ Sly for what has to be one of the most embarrassing celebrity marriages since that whole Carmen Electra-Dennis Rodman thing (speaking of dead careers).

Anyhoo, she went to the well one too many times and teamed up with Sly again the next year in the crapfest “Cobra”. You might remember it from such one-liners as “You’re the disease and I’m the cure.” This time she’s got a blonde wig and knee high boots over her jeans.

Yikes! The true pinnacle of her success here in the states was in 1987 with her starring role in the second-best “Beverly Hills Cop” entry, “Beverly Hills Cop 2”. Here is where Brigitte established her “look,” you know, with the whole really short white hair, kind of a Danish Grace Jones. Sadly, when her marriage to Stallone fell apart, her box office power just dried right up.

Her next picture, 1988’s “Bye Bye Baby” should have called “Bye Bye Career.” This was filmed in Italy and co-stars Carol Alt. You get the picture. Then it was on to made-for-TV-movie land with “Murder by Moonlight,” which co-starred Julian Sands. It was a sci-fi murder mystery about Cold War politics and cross dressing. It was filmed in that “Doctor Who” type film, so you know it’s got PBS written all over it.

Perhaps Brigitte’s most bizarre movie to date came in 1989 with the “art” film “Domino”. Nielsen plays this rich lady who is obsessed with Billie Holiday and spends most of her time talking to herself in artsy-fartsy sets that look they were left over from a bad Heavy D video. Eventually a friend gives her a mannequin, and then she starts talking to it when she’s not busy taking her clothes off for a swim. This film must be seen to be believed. It truly is a Brigitte Nielsen tour de force performance.

In 1992, she returned to the villain side of things for “Mission of Justice.” Biff was really hung over when he watched this kung-fu crime story and loved the crap out of it. Maybe it was the way in which the lead karate guy Jeff Wincott and Brigitte really connected on screen and sunk their teeth into the material. Or maybe I was still a little drunk. Either way, a lot of people get karate kicked.

Next up is one of Brigitte’s best film choices ever, “Double O Kid”. Alongside Corey Haim, Nicole Eggert and that short, weasely guy from “The Princess Bride,” Brigitte carries this ensemble action thriller about a secret agent kid who takes on a gang of hackers. Plenty of bad computer jokes and effects abound.

Her next film, “Chained Heat 2,” is terrible. It has none of the social commentary, gritty realism and Linda Blair tay-tahs of the original classic film. In 1995, she co-starred in “Body Count,” which is the most run-of-the-mill late night Cinemax action flick Biff has ever seen. The cast reads like a who’s who of action B-movies: Robert Davi, Steven Bauer, Sonny Chiba, Jan-Michael Vincent, the list goes on and on. Pass on this one due to lack of Nielsen. Hot on the heels of this waste of time, Nielsen starred in what looked to be a franchise, “Galaxis.” She’s a futuristic superhero who has come back in time to present-day Earth to chase Bull from “Night Court.” Two jokes can follow here: A. Don’t you love it when plots are determined by the lack of funding. B. I liked this plot better the first time, when it was used in “Masters of the Universe.” Ha!

Her last picture worth seeing was perhaps her best, the 1996 thrill-a-minute roller-coaster ride that is “Snowboard Academy”. If Biff could make a movie, this would be his cast. I mean, Corey Haim, Jim Varney, Brigitte, and Joe Flaherty. Brigitte spends most of her time in a hot tub being sinister. Awesome!

So there you have it, you now know what those crazy Danes have known all along: that Brigitte Nielsen is 2 legit 2 quit! She may have trouble with English and be a Hollywood joke, but you can’t deny that the gal is a true video legend.