This year for Halloween I am going as Dave from the movie “Summer School.” You know, as in “Chainsaw and Dave.” My brother is going as Chainsaw. It promises to be a fun-filled night of explaining who we are. But before we go out, we’re going to watch some Halloween-related movies whilst imbibing some Hamms, eating Triscuits and handing out candy to little kids dressed up as their favorite Hobbit. As some of you may remember, this is a top 10 list of the all-time-greatest Halloween movies to watch while engaging in the aforementioned activities. Last week Biff delivered the first five as follows: 10. “Evil Dead II,” and “Army of Darkness” 9. “Friday the 13th Part IV: The Final Chapter” 8. “The Making of Michael Jackson’s Thriller” 7. “The Exorcist” 6. “Silver Bullet.”
Remember, these are Biff’s holiday favorites and he is fully aware of the fact that “Poltergeist” and any kind of Dracula movie are great for this time of year. So when you’re drunk, don’t come crying to me like I left out “Prom Night” on purpose. There just wasn’t enough room for everything, although there was enough room for Jim Varney. Well, let’s face it, there’s always room for Jim Varney.
5. “Ernest Scared Stupid.” Can you say Eartha Kitt? Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Well, if she was ever mighty in the first place, which I don’t think she was. Maybe impressive, but not mighty. However, the definition of mighty himself, Jim Varney, commands the screen in his fourth outing as that lovable Ernest. There’s a creepy crawly troll who Ernest mistakenly awakens that is turning all the children into statues. As always, the adults are too stupid and inept to deal with the situation and it’s up to some kids, Ernest and his dog, Rimshot, to save the day.
4. “Sleepaway Camp.” When I was 12, my friend and I rented this little bundle of joy, and we’ve been quoting it ever since. Seriously, kids, Hollywood just doesn’t make horror movies like they used to. I miss the swearing teen-agers and child-molesting adults that clinched the early ’80s as the renaissance of horror films. Believe it or not, one can now rent “Sleepaway Camp” and its two pointless sequels on DVD, making it possible to view all the grisly murders and sexual innuendo in glorious widescreen. This movie is like “Meatballs” but with lots of murdering. Oh, and all the kids have Jersey accents. Brilliant!
3. “Monster Squad.” “Kick him in the nards!” “Wolfman doesn’t have any nards!” “Kick him anyways!” When I was 10, this was possibly the greatest thing I had ever heard on television. A simple 30-second trailer for “Monster Squad” had changed everything. It was big news at school and also at home, where my brother and I would run around the house quoting it out loud, putting extra emphasis on the word “nards.” At the time, I was elated to know that nards was a kiddie-slang word that had spread nationwide. I wasn’t the only one. Now the word had been approved by television, sanctioned by the powers that be, if you will, and declared as official slang to children everywhere. This was great. My mother, however, was not impressed and the movie was subsequently banned from our house once she figured out what nards meant. As further proof of the wonders of advertising on children, I finally saw the movie about eight years later. It’s all about monsters and stuff. And nards.
2. “Halloween.” Ha ha, I bet you thought ol’ Biff was going to be too cool to include this one on his list. Well, I’m not. In fact, Biff put it all the way up at number two. Although “Halloween” doesn’t have Jim Varney or the word “nards,” it does possess one secret weapon: Jamie Lee Curtis. That’s right, kids, before Jamie Lee sold herself to the cell phone companies of the world, she was the one and only scream queen. Check this movie out as it pits Jamie Lee against the creepiest of creepy horror villains (other than the Tall Man from Phantasm), Michael Myers. Jason had a hockey mask and an ax, Freddy had a burnt up face and that creepy claw thing, but Myers’ butcher knife and white plaster mask thingy really take the cake. Honestly, this movie is scary, scarily awesome!
1. “Spaced Invaders.” So here it is, the quintessential Halloween masterpiece, the best movie to watch while drinking Hamms in your crappy ’80s-movie-related costume while eating Triscuits and handing out candy. This holiday romp finds five Martians being lured to Earth for an invasion after they pick up a radio broadcast of Orson Welles’ “War of the Worlds.”
Nobody knows they are from outer space because it’s Halloween and everyone thinks they just have really sweet costumes. This movie has absolutely no famous people involved with it except for that girl from “Jurassic Park,” but she’s much less annoying in this.
The aliens really make no sense since they all speak English and make a ton of America-related jokes but are confused by such things as roads. One little green man even speaks with a bad Jack Nicholson impersonation and is wearing a leather jacket with a Lakers jersey. Weird and wacky stuff. If you have never seen this movie, then you are missing out on a lost gem. It’s now available on DVD, so you have no excuse. It’s worth it just to hear an alien yell, “I’m going home in a bag!”
There you have it, Biff’s top 10 Halloween movies of all time. Wasn’t it exciting?
Biff hopes everybody has a happy Halloween and plays it safe out there. And he’ll leave with another important tip: Avoid obvious costumes (i.e. witches and clowns and stuff of that nature). There will always be another witch or clown at the party/bar and their costume will always be better than yours. However, you’ll be the only kid dressed up as Leif Garrett.