Wall to wall pleasure

There are few places on Earth less comfortable than a porn shop. When one is in “the mood,” so to speak, the discomfort climbs to dentist’s office levels. Luckily, the Vanguard is here to help you with everything, and I, a former porn clerk, am on the payroll.

Since there are many toys aimed at various kink levels, I’d rather focus on the three main types of accoutrements you’ll encounter: dildos, vibrators and lube. I’m excluding everything else, because if you’re in the market for a sex swing or some industrial handcuffs, you likely don’t need a buyer’s guide.

Dildos

The same rules apply for both men and women when choosing a dildo: Start with what you’re accustomed to. If the partner you’ve been with and are used to is six inches long and four in circumference, choose something close to that, if not a bit bigger or smaller. If you return home and use it and it wont fit, you’re out some cash.

For the lesbians out there, get your partner’s input on the subject; they know your body best.

Guys: Make sure to choose a toy with a flared base so you don’t…lose it.

Vibrators

Besides the clitoris, the area on the human body with the highest concentration of nerve endings is found on both genders. What is it? The tip of your nose. If you’re looking to purchase a vibrator, ask the clerk to remove the toy from its box and let you handle it. In doing so, place the piece to your nose and let ‘er rip. Most toys run on two batteries—three volts. Some other toys run on four, which is twice the voltage at six volts. Higher-end toys use higher-end motors and this is where voltage matters. Pay attention! If you’re self-conscious about putting a vibrator to your nose, remember you’re in a porn shop and the clerk has seen it a hundred times before.

Lube

There are three types of lube: water based, oil based and silicone based.

Here’s the rundown:

Water based:

 The best all-around. It tends to become sticky much less than oil, and it can be used for all types of sex. If you’re unsure of how the night is going to play out, get the water based.

Oil based:

 This is typically used for masturbation only. Oil can heat a condom and break it, and it will stay inside a vagina and cause an infection if used that way. Use at your own risk.

Silicone based:

 The best lube for anal sex, bar none. Silicone molecules are bigger than those of water and thus they cause a slick feeling on the skin. The problem? It works TOO well. If silicone lube gets inside a vagina, good luck getting it out. Some couples I’ve spoken with have had great results with vaginal use of silicone. Note: this stuff is expensive. Also, never use it on a silicone toy—it will gum it up and render it worthless.