Among the mind-boggling array of lubricants in any adult shop, there exists a black sheep. On the sidelines, far away from the industrial-looking jars of slippery stuff, sits a small matrix of brightly colored lube packets geared toward the more whimsical lube connoisseurs. You are in the flavored lube section.
Among the mind-boggling array of lubricants in any adult shop, there exists a black sheep. On the sidelines, far away from the industrial-looking jars of slippery stuff, sits a small matrix of brightly colored lube packets geared toward the more whimsical lube connoisseurs. You are in the flavored lube section.
While some establishments provide testers, most of us don’t want to sit there and gobble down lube in public. Luckily, I’m not so self-conscious, so I’ve gone to the trouble of taking the guesswork out of it for you, dear reader. The brand I bravely sampled is called JO, and since they make the best water-based lube, I tried only their offerings.
Strawberry Kiss
The flavor is strong, almost overpowering, and has a slight tang of alcohol, almost like a strawberry liqueur. It is overpoweringly sweet and could stand to be cut with some kind of salty element (sweat perhaps). Either way, don’t expect it to taste much like an actual strawberry. Or a kiss, for that matter.
Chocolate Delight
The only non-fruit-flavored lube in JO’s line, Chocolate Delight has many of the same qualities as Strawberry Kiss. In fact, the chocolate seems almost like an afterthought and, without any real lasting flavor, mostly entices the nose. If you’ve ever consumed crème de cacao, this lube tastes a little like that.
Peachy Lips
The peach flavor isn’t very peachy. It’s more like the flavor of a hyper-sweet peach candy, like a Jolly Rancher. The sweetness, however, is a pleasant change and manages to cut the alcoholic, lozenge-y taste of most flavored lubes almost completely out of the equation. All in all, Peachy Lips is actually pretty good.
Raspberry Sorbet
As a raspberry sorbet fanatic (I once paid €14 for a pint in Paris), I had high hopes for this lube. Unfortunately, the presence of alcohol is overpowering and makes the product taste rather like old lady perfume.
Juicy Pineapple
I didn’t have much hope for this one, and I was well within reason. It tastes like a mixture of gin and the pineapple syrup dredged from the bottom of a can of Dole. That isn’t to say the flavors actually co-mingle and complement each other. Like the oil and water effect, this lube’s flavors sit on each other’s faces.
Sweet Pomegranate
Let’s cut right to the chase: This is the worst flavor in the series, and by a long shot. It tastes like Elizabeth Taylor’s dead shoulders. There’s no doubt in my mind that the flavor signifies a rush to hop on the pomegranate bandwagon of years past, but JO never took the time to refine the flavor profile. Simply fucking awful.
Tangerine Dream
I wonder what the band Tangerine Dream makes of this? The lube has a sour onset, but a disgustingly sweet diabetic-coma finish. It nearly tastes like furniture polish. And yet…after trying it, I wanted more of it.
Tropical Passion
Bewilderingly, this flavor is virtually identical to the pineapple flavor. Go ahead: Do a blind taste test and try to tell the difference.
Cherry Burst
Pretty damn good, as a matter of fact! It reminds me of a Luden’s lozenge: very sweet and with a slightly medicinal finish. Sounds strange, I know, but that combination works very, very well for this particular flavor profile. Cherry is usually the worst flavor of anything, lube and otherwise. But this one might surprise you.
Watermelon (what, no clever suffix here?)
I just knew this would be terrible. And it was.
Banana Lick
Because of the obvious innuendo, you’d think the banana would be JO’s flagship flavor. Although I hate banana-flavored anything, this one was surprisingly decent. Maybe it’s because it didn’t taste too much like a real banana and more like a banana-flavored Laffy Taffy. Make of that what you will.
