Everyone appreciates music in their own way. Some prefer a hook or beat that they can listen to ad nauseam for a month until they tire of it, some passionately immerse themselves in the music they love, and some wrap themselves in a cocoon of intolerable musical snobbery. No form of appreciation is necessarily wrong, but a good deal of them are silly.
Indie music asshole
Description: Everyone has at least one of these people in their lives. They know a lot about music, but more specifically, music you’ve never heard of. If you like a song, they will hate it. This type of person also has a penchant for idolizing the past, especially if they weren’t around for it. They will also rationalize bad music by calling it “avant-garde” or “experimental.”
Favorite bands: Pavement, Sonic Youth, and SUNNO))).
Locale: Doug Fir Lounge (hipster central).
Modus operandi: Comparing Nietzsche’s Thus Spoke Zarathustra and the new Sonic Youth record.
Common activity: Being alone because all of their friends hate them.
Quote: “Hardcore died in 1986.”
The God lover: Christian music only!
Description: This person loves Jesus, God, Jesus-God and the baby Jesus. Christianity is the one focus of their life and as such the one focus of their music. Common themes include Jesus’ love (hating gays), God’s love (America Rules! Nuke Iraq!) and family values (women stay at home).
Favorite bands: DC Talk, Newsboys, Jars of Clay, Switchfoot.
Locale: The Church, the Megachurch and the Super-megachurch.
Modus operandi: Literal interpretation of the Bible – sometimes.
Common activity: Being a self-righteous prick.
Quote: “George Bush says war is God’s love manifested in bullet form.”
Metal-head
Description: This person has been going to metal shows for so long that their ability to hold a reasonable conversation is seriously impaired. They also love to get drunk at shows and berate younger fans with stories from “back in the day.” This person also harbors severe anger towards “false-metal” (basically anything that doesn’t sound like Slayer).
Favorite bands: Slayer, (early) Metallica, Megadeth.
Locale: Scuzzy dive bars.
Modus operandi: Telling the boss to fuck off when asked to cut his hair.
Common activity: Secretly listening to Justin Timberlake.
Quote: “Did you see Slayer in ’88? Well I did, so go fuck yourself!” (Little kid runs off crying.)
Emo-mosh warrior
Description: For these people, the music takes a back seat to fashion. Going to shows is about looking “hot” and “throwing it down in the pit.” An interesting side-note is that both male and female members look about the same, with haircuts that can best be described as “The Swoop.” They think songs about suicide are sexy.
Favorite bands: AFI, Atreyu, A Static Lullaby.
Locale: MySpace.
Modus operandi: Pretending to care about the music they listen to.
Common activity: Standing outside the venue looking cool while the bands are playing.
Quote: “But, what’s your MySpace name?” “Sick spin-kick dude.”
Bro-dude douche bag
Description: These guys just “want something to dance to.” Music has to be loud because its real purpose is to cover up their ignorance of anything besides drinking games. Also of note is the fear of anything “gay” – because “that one night was totally an accident, dude.”
Favorite bands: 50 Cent, Lil’ Jon, and, curiously – Destiny’s Child.
Locale: The Frat, The Party, and The Pile of Beer Cans.
Modus operandi: Being sketchy assholes that stillget chicks.
Common activity: Beer-bonging, using the word “hella.”
Quote: “Yes, herpes.”
The sing-along queen
Description: The commute from Lake Oswego is long and arduous, so what better way to fill the time than singing along! This person expects and needs one thing out of music: big sugary hooks. She doesn’t know the name of any of her favorite songs, but she loves to sing them.
Favorite bands: Nothing specific, “Just whatever’s on the radio.”
Locale: BMW dealership, traffic court, and in the car cutting you off.
Modus operandi: Being a vacuous bitch.
Common activity: Ridin’ dirty.
Quote: “I can’t decide which I like better, The O.C. or Laguna Beach.”
The hippie
Description: This person is really friendly – until you take away his weed. He also doesn’t have a job, but won’t hesitate to ask you for money.
Favorite bands: The Grateful Dead, any and all jam bands.
Locale: The Park Blocks, under the bridge, Four Courts.
Modus operandi: Avoiding showers and sitting next to you on the bus.
Common activity: Doesn’t really move.
Quote: “Nuggets?”