What would Jesus want?

My friends, Christmas is under attack, and all loyal Americans must rise to its defense. Fearless patriots like Mathew Staver, president and general counsel of the newly famous Liberty Counsel, are taking the fight right to the godless heathens who are perverting our country with mealy-mouthed sops to the tiny, insignificant portion of Americans who aren’t Christian.

Staver’s problem is with the recent trend of renaming Christmas trees with "less offensive" monikers like "Holiday tree." Showing the brilliance and intellectual agility that has come to be the distinguishing characteristic of the religious right, he makes his case: "Calling a Christmas tree a holiday tree isn’t being inclusive. It’s disenfranchising people of faith. It’s like calling a menorah a candle stick." You tell ’em, Matt!

Why, in 2000, Eugene banned the display of Christmas trees on public property! And, more recently, there has been the "Holiday tree" movement. Clearer signs of the imminent demise of Western civilization would be hard to find, I’ll grant you that, but, although Staver and crew have their hearts in the right place, they should see that, as a possible profit-engine, the renaming of Christmas trees is in fact acting as a firm bastion against the queer/atheist/anti-American agenda. Although it’s quite clear, as Staver and fellow defenders of freedom like Sean Hannity, Gov. Schwarzenegger, and Pat Robertson have said, that Christmas is under threat, they misunderstand the nature of the threat.

You see, in considering renaming the trees, retailers are merely trying to broaden the narrow, marginalized audience that currently buys them. It’s a way to make money; not only is that what America is all about, it’s what Christmas is all about as well. When we recognize and embrace this reality, we will be far better equipped to defend our culture and womenfolk from godless fucks like the Eugene City Council.

Now, before you dial up Jeff Gannon of Talon News or stop by my place to stage a personal intervention (which, I’ll sheepishly admit, is indeed high on my wish list this year), hear me out.

Most Christians are aware that the preponderance of evidence about Jesus’ history has him being born in the early summer, not the depths of winter. Plenty have also heard of the debauched Roman holiday celebrating the winter solstice (the birth of the sun, not the son) called Saturnalia, whose date on the calendar was hijacked by the early Christians. In fact, almost every modern Christian holiday is a recycling of a much older, pagan celebration. Even Easter, the celebration of the greatest miracle of Christianity, the Resurrection, keeps its old pagan name, from the goddess of the dawn, Eostre (from whom we also get the word "east").

However, God punished the ancients for their sins, and those old devil-worshippers are as dead as Latin. We enlightened moderns know that the old holy days are our new holidays, and are only properly celebrated with massive outlays of cash, to be heavily seasoned with family infighting, car accidents, excessive drinking and shattered expectations/credit ratings.

If it helps America, it’s good, probably even Christian, right? That giant shot of capital in the arm of the American business community is the only way many retailers make it through the year. Hey, render unto Wal-Mart- So it’s not that Christmas has become commercialized; it’s that our corporate leaders have uncovered the true, inherent commercial nature of the holiday, which it always had.

So, just as a few weeks ago I urged all patriots ["Interpreting the First Amendment," Oct. 25] to head to their local jack-shacks and masturbate in defense of our First Amendment rights, I now urge you all to whip out your wallets and spend, spend, spend! Cash for Christ, baby!

Friends, don’t get your tastefully opaque panties in a bunch about retailers renaming Christmas trees. We all know those are just holdovers from the ancient Germanic savages. You see, if we spend, we support the U.S. If we support the U.S., a Christian country, no matter what those damned hippies say with their fancy demographics and census reports, we support Jesus. If we support Jesus, we get a Hummer in heaven that never runs out of gas.

You do want to go to heaven, don’t you? Then get your hands out of your pockets and your ass down to Pioneer Place!

It’s what Jesus would want.