Like poo in a landfill, distinguishing oneself in the world of popular music is an arduous task. Sadly, many a former rocker is left by the wayside as the sweeping gaze of popular taste turns towards whatever is new and shiny. And while many a tear has splattered in a KFC deep fryer over a fallen dream, we at the Vanguard still have to clean out our piles of promo photos. And what better way to do that than in the pop quiz form? So take a moment to consider our fallen brothers, circle the true statement, write your name on your paper and turn it into the Vanguard ad office. You could win a bitchin’ Vanguard prize package including a feature length story all about you!
The Honeyrods
Pictured here during an uncomfortable frat initiation, these boys and their "rods of honey" were unable to sweeten the lips of our nation’s youth, no doubt because it’s illegal in every state except Indiana. One of them continues to try and spread the sweetness, and is currently serving a 10-year sentence in an Oklahoma State Correctional Facility making sweaters for Wal-Mart.
a. Chris Hunter, late of the Honeyrods is now a NASCAR race driver nicknamed "Heat Barrell."
b. Capricorn Records only exists within the imaginary confines of Matt Clemmons’ parents’ basement. Their next release, a 36-hour bout of Magic: The Gathering.
c. Michael Dale, while on suspension from the Alpha Cappa Delta fraternity, discovered a promising career in bareback gay porn.
d. Gordon Cabaniss still "lives the dream" seven nights a week, singing the classics at Dr. Throat’s Karaoke Madhouse in Tampa, Fla.
Nameless, hive-like in both thought and residence, The Bobs once dominated their own musical subgenre, known in the business as "alt-ad-cont," short for "alternative adult contemporary." They were only identified (From L-R) as Bob 1, Bob 2, Bob3, and Bob 4. Sadly, the hive-mind was shattered when Bob 4 questioned Bob 1’s fashion sense.
a. When alone, Bob 1, Bob 3 and Bob 4 telepathically questioned Bob 2’s ability to rock slowly and adultly.
b. Bob 2 and Bob 4 were secretly in love with Bob 3, who in turn held a torch for Bob 1, who subsequently also was in love with Bob 1 and that funky fresh sweater-like organism.
c. The Bobs played the Borg on an unaired episode of "Star Trek: The Next Generation" that was filmed in their two-story condo, um, excuse me, I meant, The Hive. Apparently, they all argued over who would get to play 7 of 9.
d. In 2001, Bob 2 finally finished his bachelor’s in philosophy and is now the assistant manager of a Starbucks.
Once Gods of Rock and pioneers of the Transgender Rights movement, I still question what went wrong with Jackyl’s career or, as they liked to call it, "The Poontang Express." It’s just not fair, God damn it! They rocked with chainsaws! Fucking chainsaws! How can that ever get old? These southern futurists refuse to give up, and may be playing at a state fair near you. Show the love…
a. Calling it a hiatus, Jesse James Dupree moved to the deep woods of South Carolina, where he has reportedly killed 12 FBI agents with his bare hands, burying them in a clearing. The former rocker can still be seen on occasion dancing in the light of the full moon, serenading his makeshift graveyard of fans with an all-chainsaw rendition of "Sweet Home Alabama."
b. Jimmy Stiff awoke one day in the summer of 2002 to realize that he was, after all, emotionally vibrant and had been living a lie.
c. Oh, c’mon, America – fucking chainsaws, for chrissake!
d. Chris Worley, always the fashionista, entered a hot tub wearing his trademark shades and suffered irreparable damage to his corneas. He vowed it was the last time he would wear anything he received in a McDonald’s Happy Meal.
This regal female rapper was unable to court the hip-hop world to be her subjects, but still resides over her kingdom of office tools and utensils.
a. Queen Pen still insists that she is the queen of all pens. She has the pen to prove it. Ask it. No really, ask the pen. Ask it, God damn it …
b. Queen Pen spent her advance from Interscope Records on a fancy outfit – and a matching couch.
c. Queen Pen once told Penn Jillette of Penn & Teller that she owned him.
d. Queen Pen tried to stage a comeback under the moniker "Lil’ Pen," unfortunately her new single "Ink," which featured the hook "My ink brings all the boys to the yard" was considered gross by many.
The Marvelous 3
It was a shame what happened to the Marvelous 3. Just as critics thought they were about to break out of the pack of pop punk meets L.A hair rock bands that plagued the late ’90s, it all crashed down around them, like the end of a two-year coke binge. Oh, wait! It was a two-year coke binge! Rumor has it, two of the boys in the Marvelous 3 felt that they were not being treated "marvelously" by the other one, whom we will call "Butch" to preserve his anonymity. While two of the Marvelous 3 feel this creative difference broke up the band, the other one feels that those two pussies couldn’t "handle their shit."
a. Jayce has hid his rock ‘n’ roll dreams in the sock drawer of his dresser, right underneath a worn copy of Hustler. He now works at Office Depot.
b. Butch refuses to believe that mesh shirts are "out" and still tours as Mr. Marvelous, although his tour these days doesn’t make a lot of stops.
c. Slug is paid one $5 dollar casino chip an hour to be shot out of the clown cannon at Circus Circus Las Vegas. Apparently, washed-up cockrockers who go to Vegas stay in Vegas.
d. The Marvelous 3 during practice would sometimes cover "Dust in the Wind" when they thought no one else was around. Well, they were wrong, God damn it!
Type O Negative
In 1995, Pete Steele, lead singer of Type O Negative was voted the sexiest man in indie rock by the readers of Playgirl, and did a pictorial showing off of his rock-hard man rod. Last Month, Steele was voted employee of the month at Com-Tech Communications, a telemarketing firm. He offered management the opportunity to shoot another pictorial that would show off his rock-hard man rod, and is currently looking for work.
a. "Type O Negative" does not refer to a blood type, as is commonly thought, but rather refers to the band’s hatred of misspellings while typing, something that this rock-friendly journalist can definatatively agrre wit.
b. Keyboardist Josh Silver maintains that he gave up music to devote more time to his first love, drinking human blood.
c. Guitarist Ken Hickey was fired by his manager Bill Sommers for breach of contract. Sommers maintains that Hickey would not conform to the Wendy’s dress code, while Hickey swears that mascara is a lifestyle choice, not adornment.
d. Pete Steele will never stop wearing combat boots. Never! Not for all the porn stars in the world.