Where the Vegans Are
Anonymous 1
Do you come to Food for Thought often?
Yeah.
What do you like about it?
I like that it’s student-run and it’s nonprofit, I like having conscious food at school because the food upstairs is crap!
What do you mean by conscious food?
Umm – well, having vegan options at school and having a lot of locally-grown products is cool and I just really like the family feel of it.
Do you wanna hear a vegan joke? No?
Yes of course, please.
What’s the name of the vegan anti-Christ?
I don’t know.
Cheezus.
That is funny.
What would you do if Cheezus walked in here today?
Kick him in the knee. I’d shred him and feed him to Jesus.
Do you really think Jesus liked cheese?
Well it’s just like a lot of things that we’re not sure of, like that he smoked pot too.
Umm – would you ever eat pot cheesecake?
Vegan pot cheesecake? I guess so. Yes.
What if you were eating it with someone who liked to fuck with people while they were stoned and they told you it was real cheesecake? What do think you would do?
Well, I would proceed to kick them in the knee.
Not Cheezus. What do you think Cheezus looks like?
I picture Cheese with tiny holes almost like Sponge Bob; he has mold on him.
Instead of a beard?
Yeah, he has a mold beard.
Do you think he’d die for your sins?
Well, I think Cheezus is a sin so hopefully he’s already dead.
I think he is.
Good.
But what if he rises from the dead?
Then [pauses to think] I would just shred him into tiny, tiny pieces and I’d spread him about in mud and then cover up the mud and hold back until something beautiful grows out of his neck.
Fair enough, you take it to the highway. Drive safe.
I shall.
Anonymous 2
Wanna hear a silly joke?
Sure.
What’s the vegan anti-Christ?
Uh – what?
Cheezus.
[Laughs]
When you think of the word Cheezus what do you think of?
Cheese god like hanging from a cross, like a big thing of Swiss cheese hanging from the cross.
Do you think he’s melting?
I don’t know – probably not. No.
But he’s in the hot sun. Jerusalem is a pretty arid area.
That is true, I guess he could be melting – yeah sure, if you want him to melt.
What would happen if he rose from the dead here at the Food for Thought?
I don’t know. I’d start calling tabloids and getting them to come take pictures probably.
We would be saved.
We might be saved, it depends on if we started eating him, probably not here –
No.
Maybe people that aren’t vegan would be saved. Like you and I would be saved.
Anonymous 3
You’re not gonna ask me about Cheezus are you?
No, what’s your favorite junk food?
I like ice cream.
Have you ever had vegan ice cream?
Yeah, I think it’s gross.
Why do you think people like eating fake ice cream?
I don’t know, maybe they convince themselves they like eating fake ice cream.
I don’t like eating olives, is there some way I could convince myself to like olives?
I don’t know, I don’t like eating olives either.
Why don’t you like olives?
‘Cause they’re too salty.
Why do they put olives on pizza?
I don’t know, why do they put ham on pizza?
Well, it’s not ham it’s Canadian bacon! But it is ham! Why do they call it Canadian bacon? What’s wrong with these people?
I’m not too sure.
Who are the ad wizards that came up with this one!?
Olives on pizza, what’s next?
Well, they have fish on pizza.
They do?
Yeah it’s anchovies. It’s gross.
Have you ever had it?
No.
What about salmon on pizza?
Well that would be pretty tasty. But you know – it hasn’t happened yet. When do you think it’s gonna happen?
Umm – maybe two months.
What would be good with salmon pizza?
Umm – pineapple.
I can see it.
Yeah, get rid of the Canadian bacon and just put salmon on.
Yeah, stupid Canadians!
I’m from Canada!
