Most people hate their job. Sometimes the worst thing about having a shitty job is having to work with shitty, semi-retarded morons. Read about them or don’t. You probably work with them.
Anonymous 1
Have you ever worked with somebody you really fuckin’ hated?
Yeah.
Gimme the worst!
Probably the funniest person I’ve had to work with that sucked ass, [was when] I was a manager at a call center and there was this dude, you know the dude that plays trumpet downtown, dresses up in a white tuxedo?
YES!
And he’s fuckin’ bad!
YES!
He sucks ass!
YES!
Yeah, imagine him on the phone. That dude. It was that dude! Not a dude like him, it was that dude! His name was Kurt. Like I used to have to listen to him like on the phone doing technical phone calls and he was terrible!
Gimme an example.
One time he ate a whole chicken on the phone. Like, ate the chicken on the phone.
He was talking to one person?
The entire time, like (makes slurping noises), like the most disgusting series of noises and like because I was listening in to his call, I couldn’t like call him to tell him not to eat in my ears anymore. It was like seriously 45 minutes. I just sat there and listened to this person who doesn’t know what the right mouse button does, do a technical call while eating a chicken. It was painful because of his lack of skill, and painful because I just – don’t like listening to people eat – plus like the second story from Kurt –
OK.
This one is even better. So it was graveyard at the call center. I would start work at 10 in the evening and work until 8. I think it must have been like in March we got a letter from the Beaverton Police, because somebody had been practicing their trumpet in the parking lot at 2 a.m., the worst trumpet player in Portland.
And I always thought he had spunk.
He doesn’t have any personality, like if you actually talk to him it’s like a clone person, he just is not a very social person. Well, I don’t think you could stand out and play bad mariachi music in public as your job and be very social. It seems like the type of thing where if you had friends, they’d be like “Dude, seriously? This might not be a career decision for you.”
Anonymous 2
Is there anyone in particular at your work that you hate?
Yeah, I mean – there’s a few people. It’s mostly this one bitch, with a pageboy haircut. She is just a cunt. She’s a waiter, I’m a busser.
What’s wrong with her?
Well, it’s mostly old people who eat there, and they eat really slow – “Go clear 23! I told you to clear 23 like half an hour ago!” And I’ll go out there like six times with the tray to clear it and they’ll still be eating. And I’m like, I’m not gonna take their fucking plate if they’re still eating and then the second they’re done – she gets really stressed out and yells. I don’t think she likes her job very much – it’s just like “Calm the fuck down” it’s not like brain surgery, we’re not like saving lives.
Does her face get really red?
Yes, I think she has some skin condition because her face gets weird. Or maybe she’s just really mad all the time.
Do you think she’ll turn into a cherry one day?
No. Yeah, I don’t think she’s gonna turn into a cherry. Just because she’s a bitch doesn’t mean she’s gonna turn into a cherry.
Well, her face gets red!
That’s not the only part of being a cherry.
Well, it’s a big part cuz cherries are red.
Yeah, but some are like dark red or bloody black, they’re not the same red as her face. I mean, I would say her face is closer to those like pickled cherries ya know?
Yeah, and apparently those will stay in your bowels for like 15 years.
I really like them.
Would you eat her if she were one of those cherries?
What would she look like? Would she still have arms? Would she be that big still?
She’d be giant – but she’d have a pageboy haircut.
Could she talk? NO! That’s disgusting!
You know what she’d say? She’d say, (I screech in a grating, monotone, high-pitched voice), “[Anonymous Person], [Anonymous Person], table 23! I’m really angry and I’m getting red! Table 23 now! Table 23 now!”
I would not eat a cherry that could talk and had a stupid haircut!
Would you roll her around just for fun?
I guess so.
Where would you roll her to?
The sub-basement. It’s where they keep all the recycling and trash. It’s totally unfinished and like super disgusting. It’s full of mold, and it smells terrible.
But then she’d be like, “[Anonymous Person], [Anonymous Person]! Clean up the sub-basement. It’s really icky and dirty down here!”
Then I’d just go back upstairs. She’s not my boss, that’s the thing I just wish she would like treat me with more respect.
Well, you should say, “Hey, cherry, pageboy woman! Fuckin’ chill! Quit gettin’ all red and fat!”
Then I would just get in trouble cuz that’s mean, and that would create more animosity if I go at it like that.
Well then you say, “I really hate it when you’re an irritable bitch!”
That’s really offensive.
Well, I’m using “I” statements.
I think that only works when you say, “When you do this, I feel -” I don’t think you can say, “I feel like you’re a fat bitch,” I think you have to say something constructive.
Like “I think when you act like a cherry bitch -“
I think that might be a little too abrasive.
Well, no because you’re using “I” statements. Problem solved.
I really appreciate your mediation skills, you should be like a counselor or something. A peer mediator.
Anonymous 3
Have you had coworkers that you’ve had or have now, that you completely despise?
I’ve got a couple of those.
What’s the worst?
The worst? Oh, I work at Subway so it’s like I just have girls – like when I open I have to tell the people what to do. People just don’t listen and don’t do what they’re supposed to do.
Are there any individuals that you would like to give a nickname to and then describe what they do that irritates you?
A nickname? I dunno, a brat?
Well, what does she look like?
She’s blond, she’s heavy-set.
So we’ll call her like uhhh – (I ponder) – we’ll call her Ogre-Girl! Now what does Ogre-Girl do to annoy you?
Whenever she comes in, she’s supposed to make the cookies, the very first thing she does –
OGRE-GIRL DON’T MAKE COOKIES! WHAT?!
(Laughs.) She makes pickles and olives, which takes two seconds. She should be doing the harder work first because that’s what needs to be done. She doesn’t do that, and I say, “Please go make the cookies.”
COME ON OGRE-GIRL, MAKE THOSE FUCKING COOKIES NOW! And don’t you eat ’em!
No.
That’s what you oughta say.
I don’t think so.
Why?
Because I’m not that rude. I work with a lot of annoying people who talk about their drug habits all the time, it pisses me off.
Like who?
I don’t know. Just everybody I work with. It’s Subway.
But I mean like, who’s the worst of it? What’s he look like?
Well, there’s one guy that just quit and he talked about his drug habits all the time and he took steroids all the time, so he was like balding.
So, we’ll call him Schwarzitard. So Schwarzitard was doing ‘roids.
Yeah, like he’d show me his like acne on his forehead like on his hat, and he’d be like, “Look, this is so disgusting!”
LISTEN SCHWARZITARD I DON’T WANT TO LOOK AT YOUR FUCKING ACNE!