Entertain me, dammit!

Last week, my editor sent me over to the Clinton Street Theater to review an anime film called "A Tree of Palme." My first assignment! I remember thinking, "Holy crap, I get to see this before the general public!" As I merrily parked my car and jauntily made my way to the front of the theater, I discovered that the door was locked, the lights were off and nobody could be seen, anywhere. Well, perhaps in my enthusiasm I arrived, like, a bazillion hours early. So I milled around, waiting, hoping, praying, until I finally threw in the towel. What the hell happened? I went expecting a red carpet and ended up looking like an ass. So I went over my options: I could write the review anyway and compromise the integrity of the Vanguard and the entire institution of journalism. Not wanting that on my shoulders, I decided instead on a bullshit comment about entertainment because yes, I’m that bitter.

Entertainment! Remember when entertainment was, well, entertaining? I do! For instance, last week’s episode of the most entertaining show on television (Fox’s "The O.C.," natch) was so damn entertaining, I spent every commercial break trying to figure out a way to shrink my body down to pixel size and crawl into the episode in a technological feat worthy of Scott Bakula. Would that I could!

I know what you’re all thinking: "Dude! The Portland Mercury has been writing about that tired show forever! Get your own shtick!" Well, guess what? Don’t care!

When you have weekly fistfights, religiously ambiguous holidays, people switching teams (you know what I mean), gold-digging and incest on your show, maybe I’ll consider watching something else. But for now, "The O.C." is still the best thing going on television, period. Besides, the only alternative is "Law & Order," which can currently be seen on every other channel, every hour of the day.

On the other hand, annually proving itself to be the worst thing on television, the Golden Globe Awards reared its ugly head this week from its oozy cesspool of post-consumer decay. I cannot believe that people plan Golden Globe parties weeks in advance, inviting their friends over for chips, drinks and visible panty lines (the official attire of the Golden Globes), because this show is utterly without value.

So what if it-girl "x" thanked God in her acceptance speech and you had no idea she was religious? So what if Natalie Portman got a little "cokey" and called Mike Nichols her daddy? So what if Robin Williams got the award for "Most Misplaced Shakespeare Quote," calling Christopher Reeve his "sweet prince"? It’s not entertainment! Not even in that ironic sense that college indie kids are so fond of.

Forgive me for being preachy, but it is our duty as consumers of this drivel to draw the line somewhere. Let’s quit watching reality TV, "Law & Order," and the awards shows – these shows are government plots to mutate us into mindless zombies. Believe me, these mind-siphoning spectacles are nothing like "The O.C.," which is good, wholesome balls-to-the-wall entertainment.

So moving on, tune in next week for my review of "A Tree of Palme" – starring me, Kirsten Dunst, and Bruce Boxleitner as "Palme" – or that new one with Kevin Bacon as a convicted sex offender. Either way, it’s all fun from here!