- Last Tuesday’s election made one thing abundantly clear: Nomatter which side of the political aisle you happen to sit on, ifyou’re a registered voter, roughly half of this country thinks thatyou are a fucking asshole.
- On Monday, interim Prime Minister Ayad Allawi declared martiallaw in battle-torn Iraq. Citizens of Iraq were just happy to hearthat some form of law was a priority in the current government, butsaid that moral values would be a more pressing issue during theirupcoming election.
- George W. Bush, elated by winning the popular vote, said thathis first executive order after being reelected would be to legallybecome president, but “only if Karl Rove says it’s OK.”
- After rampant homophobia proved to be the biggest draw to thepolls last week, Democratic strategists engineered a new campaignto “get their party started.” The new ad campaign is meant tocapitalize upon this new electoral demographic of U.S. bigotry in aseries of television spots, entitled, “Tax cuts are gay,” “Assaultrifles are for fags” and “Corporate welfare is totally butch.”
- John Kerry conceded the presidential election last Wednesdayafternoon. He admitted he was hurt that he didn’t win, but toldsupporters not to worry about him, stating he would be fine,pointing out, “I’m rich.”
- Tom Potter, just minutes after declaring himself the victor inthe Portland mayoral race (this time on Election Day), said hissupporters were happy “because they know change is coming.” He thenadded, “Right now, I need to find a men’s restroom.” Portlandagreed, emphasizing that now that Potter is elected it was abouttime for him to shit or get off the pot.
- Some left-wingers, despondent over the reelection of “that evildude” have vowed to plan a mass exodus from the United States toother countries in protest. Other countries, rife withanti-Americanism, were elated to hear the news, hoping that theycould finally get their hands on an actual person from the UnitedStates. “We’re just sick of burning effigies,” other countries toldthe Shivtastic Desk of Shankdom. “We hear real Americans burnbetter and cleaner, what with all of that fat and their love ofpetroleum.”
- On Thursday, President Bush held his first post-election pressconference. Half-jokingly, he claimed that with “the will of thepeople at [his] back” he was going to limit members of the presscorps to one question apiece. Unfortunately, not one of thesereporters’ used their question to ask: Who the fuck do you thinkyou are?
- Media sources around the country have reported on the recentpansified phenomena of post-election depression. Yet strangelyenough, not one media source has reported on the fact that 52percent of this country has lost the capacity for rational thought,or as we like to call it: Out of Their Fucking Minds Syndrome(OTFMS).
- Yasser Arafat may, or may not, be dead or in a coma. WilliamRehnquist may, or may not, be dead or in chemotherapy. Terroristsmay, or may not, have stolen 4,000 weapons from U.S.-guardedbunkers in Iraq. With all of the uncertainty in the world, it isnice to know that there is one thing that is true: Superman isstill dead.
