Don’t do it!

Five costumes in need of retirement

Adolf Hitler

This ill-humored gag carries a bit too much historical baggage to be successful. Just ask Canuck Tom Green. You may as well go as the World Trade Center with an airplane sticking out your 90th floor. From the mustache and the hair, to the decorated German military uniform, ol’ Adolf is too much effort just to get the sadistic laugh.

“I’m a cat”

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Okay, girls, I get it. It’s the only night of the year you can sport your cameltoe in skin-tight spandex without facing harsh scrutiny … but really, enough already. Meow and all that, but let’s see some originality. There are plenty more creative ways to show off the budonkadonk.

“Arrr, me maties”

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Only the mullet is as tired as the pirate. After Johnny Depp and Disney made love on the big screen this summer, this costume became mainstream cannon fodder.

A can of beer

Let me guess, you like to drink Pabst? Whoa boy, me too, we’re just like two choice hops in a barrel of barley left to ferment together. Hey let’s get a grey Rubbermaid can, paint a label on it, poke a hole in the bottom, flip it upside down, and … well, you get the idea.

Any character from Star Wars, The Matrix, Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter

I’ve seen all these movies and their sequel’s, but hell, who still feels the need to dress up as Mark Hamill or the little wizard? You certainly aren’t going to suck face wearing stupid round spectacles with a lightning bolt scar scribbled on your acne-ridden forehead or reciting lines from the “Return of the Jedi.” Luke knows you’re his father, and the force is certainly not with you.

Replacement costumes

Uday and Qusay Hussein

This is a great duo costume for you and a friend. Peep them Speedos. Besides, the terrible two are freshly morbid, and that’s way creepy. Apply shrapnel wounds for effect.

Mermaid

Oh, that shell brassiere, so hot that the ocean boils. Wear the fin and flap around on the dance floor.

Knight

Thou stille geth thy sworde, yet Olde English tis twice merry thane thy pirate gibberishe.

Refrigerator

I saw this one last year. A dude’s head was in the freezer while his body thawed out down below. The fridge wasn’t plugged in or anything, but this fool was the party. Plus he got hundreds of photo ops in a few hours. Dude should have had a tip jar.

A character from Tron, or a Mario-and-Luigi tandem

Consider it sci-fi chic or maybe “retro-nerd.” Yeah, totally. Though it’s difficult to find a space suit that glows, it’s never hard to track down two pairs of unwanted overalls, some plumber caps and a magic marker.