The Lookout

Looking for cheap thrills this Halloween season? Forget about paying $20 to go through a fake haunted house. You can get spooked free of charge by walking through PSU’s Parking Structure 3! The old, eerie garage sits on the western fringe of campus, where the only souls around (students living in West Hall) will be partying too hard to hear you scream. Watch your step–students leaving for the day want to get the hell home and don’t slow down when driving around corners. Better than trained professionals, the hobos here are great at sneaking up on people. Unlike the actors at Fright Town, they have real hypodermic needles, and they’re not afraid to use them–on you! For an extra scary experience, visit at night.

The overview: You might get stabbed in Parking Structure 3.

Stephen Colbert of Comedy Central’s The Colbert Report announced his intentions to run for president of the United States this week. He’s registering in the primaries of both parties, hoping that his I’m-a-stupid-idiot-look-at-me act will propel his fame. Honestly, this is a good move. If there’s one thing this country needs, it’s someone to mock our voting system. That way, when voters are disenfranchised en masse, it won’t be tragic-it will be hilarious.

But the whole idea isn’t very creative. Wasn’t there just a movie with Robin Williams that had this exact same premise? Sure, no one watched that crap (Robin Williams is the most annoying person ever), but c’mon. Can’t the writers at The Colbert Report come up with their own ideas?

The overview: The best presidential candidate is a fake-news TV personality with fake values. Doesn’t that say something about our country?

A group of nonsmokers appear to have sat on the wrong end of a cigarette and are now trying to make it so no one can smoke. Anywhere. In the entire world. OK, so not in the entire world, but at least around Neuberger, Smith, Cramer and the library. Sure, there have been complaints about smoking around those buildings before, but the university’s Tobacco/Smoking Use Sub-Committee is going a step further and trying to ban smoking in plays put on by the theater department. Um, we’re not James Madison or anything, but have you heard of the First Amendment? This is always how it goes–the university starts restricting the tobacco use in plays, and all of a sudden, there are no more preachers yelling or pictures of aborted fetuses in the Park Blocks. Oh, uh…

The overview: Smoking, yelling at preachers–that’s how we get our kicks on campus.

President Bush and republicans in the House still don’t want to recognize the one million-plus Armenians killed in Turkey during World War I. The House Foreign Relations Committee voted last week to officially condemn the historic genocide, with the hope of eventually getting the motion approved by the whole House. Bush would hate that. He likes to ignore information that he feels is more convenient not to know.

The overview: Bush has no morals or conscience, but you already knew that.