The Rant & Rage: Screw VD!

Another month rolls along and with it yet another worthless holiday, mass marketed and meant to empty your pockets. You all know what I am talking about, Valentine’s Day. A holiday with little genuine sentimentality.

In general, I hate most holidays. Come on, they aren’t really anything special, with the exception of Halloween and Thanksgiving. Those festivals are pretty straightforward and don’t hide behind some pseudo-noble façade to excuse their existence.

Of course Christmas comes to mind, but I don’t want to give that sorry excuse for consumption any more press. But Valentine’s Day is a day commemorating a saint who invented the heart shape as well as wrote the very first greeting card for his secret significant other, right?

Actually I made that up, because no one knows who the hell this guy was! Sure, folks all have different theories—the most prominent being some guy who got beheaded after restoring sight to his jailer’s daughter—but really no one knows.

And all those are really trivial details, given the modern context. If you ask me, I believe it is a conspiracy involving my ex-girlfriends, the trans-global chocolate industry, Hallmark and the government. All conniving to get me—and you—to spend more money during an otherwise sluggish month in regards to useless spending.

Think about it! In January, we are all recovering from that other crap holiday, and then there is a two-month slump until the next buy-a-thon which is Easter. They needed something right in the middle to make you dish out some dough, and Valentine’s Day is what we got!

So now we have to get cards, candy, flower and other junk to shower our significant others with. And as for all those aforementioned gifts, they are all obviously for the gal in your life. Ever think of what the guy gets? If you guessed nothing, then you’re exactly right. There is no Valentine’s Day gift for a guy. But while we’re on the subject, I will concede some of my contempt for the holiday if Jack Daniels comes out with a Valentine’s Day gift package.

Where was I? Oh yeah, and then the dinner: This is partially the contribution of my ex-girlfriends in the conspiracy to get me to wear a tie and go someplace nice…other than TGI Friday’s that is. Now you have to go someplace and listen to some jackass correct you about which is the proper fork to use. Well they can go fork themselves!

Put this all together and what do you get? Well, you don’t get anything actually, but you do lose something—your damn money! All these hearts and poems disguise the fact that Valentine’s Day is nothing more than a crock. And ladies, don’t kid yourselves, your men aren’t truly being romantic. They are just going through the motions. We know that if we don’t get you a gift, flowers and candy then we sacrifice a peaceful evening in place of you screaming at us, and more importantly, we sacrifice that small hope of getting some sex pointing the foreseeable future.

So there you go: Valentine’s Day is a sad, pathetic day where we guys are dragged around town like assholes losing our cash. To you, it may be a day of romantic delight—for me, it’s torture!