Poetry in odd places

One of Art’s most memorable and popular contributions to the Vanguard was the campy, tongue-in-cheek poem he wrote along with the weekly campus crime blotter. Erin Lloyd, Vanguard editor-in-chief from 2001-03, offered this account of the blotter poem’s genesis:

“The memory of Art that makes me laugh every time I think of it is typical of his style. Art wrote the regular crime blotter in which campus arrests and disturbances are described from campus police reports and records. One week, with no discussion or notice, it just came in with a limerick. At the top of the first column, Art had written a hilarious limerick about one of the people who had encountered the campus police that week.

“We all thought it was a gas, for sure. Unfortunately, the Ombudsman’s Office and a couple of other departments weren’t so thrilled at the Vanguard’s taking the liberty to poke fun at the recently arrested.”

Art’s rhyming jabs at the hijinks of Portland State’s petty thieves and pot-smoking dorm residents reminded us all to never take things too seriously. Here are a few of Art’s blotter poem highlights:

Nov. 1, 2002
Eepy-creepy crawly guy
Lurked around with unzipped fly.
Played his hobby once too often,
Gals helped campus cops to off him.

July 07, 2004
The fast-moving world gets confusing and tough,
We’re crushingly bored by our everyday stuff,
But now our ennui is so terminally bad
That bowling down Broadway’s the newest fad.

July 28, 2004
Each of them said, "I’m not at fault.
Please charge the other guy with assault."
If Texas justice were PSU law,
Judge Larry Joe would have called it a draw.

Nov. 2, 2004
In the air, in the air, a balloon!
But filling up this one was water.
It came flying down much too soon,
And caused more distress than it oughta.

Feb. 1, 2005
The campus seems quiet tonight,
The thieves try to stay out of sight.
A stray dog on leash,
The smell of hashish,
It’s all so collegially tight.

April 12, 2005
Paper, scissors, rock,
Millions play the game.
Put paper in a microwave,
The game goes up in flame.

May 3, 2005
The campus now melts into spring,
Stirring up all those hormones that bring.
Harassment from exes
And battles of sexes.
It’s lust for romance taking wing.

June 29, 2005
Rah, rah, rah! Ain’t college fun?
Forget about the learning.
Keep shootin’ off your BB gun
But watch those blunts-a-burning.

Oct. 11, 2005
Love knows no bounds, it has been said,
But let all lovers beware:
Much better to find a convenient bed
Than exposed to the open air.

Oct. 25, 2005
Living on campus can feel quite serene,
Places to kick back or find those good eats,
Getting to class just by crossing some streets,
Too bad we have folks who mess up the scene.

Nov. 23, 2005
The holiday season’s beginning
With parties that set our heads spinning.
But some celebrations
Emit bad vibrations
And that includes parking lot sinning.