It is undeniable that any long-term—and sometimes short-term—relationship will alter you a bit. You rub off on your partner, and they rub off on you. You both pick up habits, quirks, tastes and sometimes opinions that the other person holds. This is also completely true for sexual tastes, and it is important to remember that.
My girlfriend and I enjoy reading advice columns for fun. We give our own responses and often complain about the actual response the columnist gave. One of the most common questions, especially among some of the kinkier columns like Dan Savage’s “Savage Love”, goes along the lines of “my partner has a kink I think is weird or doesn’t turn me on. Help!”
Concern about different or seemingly incompatible tastes is perfectly valid. However, don’t panic or make snap judgements about your partner because of their kinks or sexual preferences. Unless, of course, those preferences are illegal, extremely unsanitary or hurt other people. Then feel free to be squicked out.
Shy of that though, it’s important to keep an open mind and be willing to try what your partner wants. A caveat there—you don’t have to try everything. It’s fine to say, “Your fetish turns me off, and I don’t want to do it.” In case that sounds contradictory: Keep an open mind and try to be indulgent, but it is perfectly fine to say no. Even when saying no it is vital to keep an open mind, be kind and don’t be judgemental. It’s pretty obvious that there is a tremendous difference between “I’m sorry, but that actively turns me off, let’s do other things,” and “ew, you freak!” Although I suppose some people are probably into being told they are freaks.
Assuming you say yes, I think it is important to try to be indulgent for a couple of reasons. First, working together to please each other is what loving and caring partners do. Second, you may discover things you didn’t realize you would enjoy.
I spoke to a person who was a submissive in bed, and he began dating a woman who was also a submissive. He was eager to please and did enjoy being dominant periodically, so he became the dom much more often than he would have chosen to initially. During the conversation he laughed and said “After a few years, she’s turned me into quite the top. She still is dom periodically, but it’s almost always me, and I really enjoy and prefer that now.”
Another example came up with a different person—we have interesting conversations during the weekly art night with my Oregon State University friends. This friend had only been a tad kinky when he started dating. He really did not get much more intense than leather handcuffs. He began dating somebody else who was comparably kinky, which is to say, barely. However, within a year of them dating they achieved a kinky resonance, and together inspired each other to become increasingly kinky. Now they use handcuffs, floggers, blindfolds, gags, non-consent scenes, choking, spanking and more intensity.
While obviously far from the kinkiest people out there, they are now much higher up on the scale than they were originally. At the start, neither would’ve ever imagined they would have done these things, and some of the ideas would have actively turned them off. But they kept open and accommodative minds and discovered a lot of new things they enjoy, while having fun in the process. I asked them about the common idea in pop culture that kink only comes up when “vanilla” sex becomes boring. She responded, “I would hardly say that sex becomes boring in a relationship. In fact, I would actively argue against that. But, you do become more open to novelty as time goes on. Vanilla sex is still our main course, we’ve just incorporated side dishes.”
At this same art night discussion, one point upon which everybody agreed was that it was really fun to have their sexual tastes evolve with their partner, and that this was itself intensely romantic. Everybody I asked said that it was a wonderful bonding experience to develop and grow each other’s sexual tastes.
Keep all of these things in that open and accommodating mind of yours, and have fun!
