A Thanksgiving for one

Perhaps you are recently divorced. Maybe your entire family was killed in a freak smelting accident. Maybe you have chronic B.O., and no one is willing to be within 10 feet of your stanky ass. Or perhaps you’re just smart enough to avoid an evening of screeching as your Aunt Sallie wrestles the dog for the last turkey leg.

For whatever reason you find yourself without plans on Thanksgiving–be it an unfortunate circumstance, horrible accident or your own glorifying independence–The Vanguard has compiled a list of where-to-gos and what-to-dos for a Thanksgiving for one.

To begin, lonely Thanksgiving-ite, you must first decide: dine in, or dine out? Prepare as soon as possible for either, as turkeys, tofurkies and restaurant reservations are all hard to come by on the day of.

If you decide to dine in, your options are boundless. If you must dine alone, wallow in self-pity with a microwavable meal.

Yes, nothing says “I am alone on a holiday” like the company of good old Marie Callender. Whilst your friends (assuming you have them) will be slaving away long hours over a hot stove to bring the bird to the table, you will need only five and a half minutes on full power.

This will give you plenty of time to spend the rest of the evening watching football, reading back issues of The Vanguard or deriving a plan for Britney’s intervention–all important and worthwhile Thanksgiving traditions. Also don’t forget other classic turkey-day pastimes such as “Pin the Pilgrim on Native’s Land!” and “Fabricate Your Own Money-Grubbing Holiday!” Of course these games are better in groups, and they can be performed during a celebration of one.

But what if you are not only alone, but you can’t cook, and you hate the microwave. Worry not! There are a smattering of restaurants open for the holiday:

On campus, The Cheerful Tortoise will be holding its second annual Thanksgiving dinner. The dinner, according to its website, is free for all patrons and will include turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, vegetables, dressing, rolls and pie.

Dinner will be served at The Cheerful Tortoise from 11 a.m. to 5 p.m.

For the under-21 crowd, McMenamins’ Kennedy School holds an open-to-all buffet, but it is rather spendy at $23.95 per person, and reservations are required, so get on it.

Finally for you tofu-loving parties of one, Veganopolis will be opening its doors for a Thanksgiving all-vegan buffet. Sadly, this dinner is not free: $12.95 per pound (yes, people, this is Thanksgiving; people are buying food by the pound) will get you free access to Tofurkey Roast and a full Thanksgiving dinner. Mmmmmm. Reservations are required for parties of six or more. This meat-free smorgasbord will be open from noon to 5 p.m.

The Whitefeather Peace Community will also be holding a special Native American-inspired Thanksgiving potluck on Friday Nov. 23, in case you miss eating on the actual holiday. The all-veggie event is being held at the Whitefeather house on 3315 N. Russet St. at 6 p.m., and will be followed by a film and discussion.

So there it is, lonely hungry people: your limited, but fantastic, options for one! Other restaurants will be open during the holiday, but hours vary and are sometimes inconsistent, so call first to make reservations, and call again before you leave the house.

Or just do what I do: Walk around Southeast Portland until you see some huge celebration, then proceed to either A) stare through the window at the glistening food like a sad puppy, or B) burst in the front door, ask where Uncle Greg is and act horribly offended when no one can remember their dear cousin Belinda.

Good luck, forlorn feeders, and a happy Thanksgiving to you.