All the pretty lemons

With gas prices creeping closer to the price of an eight ball ofcocaine every day, people in the United States are going to neednew forms of transportation for shuffling around the great Westernexpanse. Soon, we may have no choice but to trade in thegas-guzzling, tractor-pulling, steamrolling short buses for theeconomical compact or convenient city bug.

The Chevrolet Chevette
The Corvette of the compact? Hardly, son. This poor man’s HondaCivic is reserved strictly for the duty of “teenager’s first car.”You don’t see too many on the road anymore. It’s not mechanicalmalfunction as much as it is the fault of newly driving teenagersacross the country. You’d be hard pressed to find one for a under$500, but lucky. There’s no shame in a Chevette.

Miles per Gallon: 31
Best Year: 1985

Forget the comparisons to overweight girls, mopeds are the shizzy.Who needs to go over 30 mph anyways? You can’t take them on theinterstate, but that’s the boring route to anywhere. A lot ofstates make no discrepancy between a moped and a normal bicycle, soyou can get away with the equivalent of moto-murder and still avoidtraffic court. Ride shirtless for style points.

Miles per Gallon: 120
Best Year:1978

The American Eagle
This thing was essentially a station-wagon-on-truck-tires kind ofprehistoric Subaru Outback with wood paneling. The ’87 even hadfour-wheel drive. Chrysler’s American Eagle is the Iron Maiden tothe Outback’s The Darkness.

Miles per Gallon: 21
Best Year: 1987

The Geo Metro
Three cylinders? That’s one cylinder from a go-kart. The Metro wasalready a lemon when it rolled off the assembly line. I’m nottrying to Geo hate, but the Metro was the Chevette’s reincarnatedbastard child, born with one less kidney.

Miles per Gallon: 40
Best Year: 1995

The Segway Scooter
OK, this isn’t yet a lemon, but I bet you’ll be able to find one atthe Goodwill toy aisle for $15 by 2012. “Just lean forward to go,and lean back to stop,” says Segway. San Francisco quickly took theopportunity to say “Those things suck” by banning them from citysidewalks. And who can blame them? The Segway looks like LukeSkywalker’s push lawnmower. Very embarrassing. And these thingswere supposed to improve life by 70 percent?

Miles Per Battery: 10
Best Year: No time like the present