Well, if you made it through the past few weeks alive, you, like me, have one more holiday season and another year under your belt. And with this year turning into the next, I would like to take just a moment to look back and remember some of the things that made this Christmas break special.
This is an ode to visitors from out of town and the bars that they visit which saved me from doing Christmas things with my girlfriend, like getting a Christmas tree, hanging lights and struggling through crowded Peacock Lane: "But baby, they’re only here for a couple days."
This is for offering my couch to these guests as well, and their late night visitors and loud sex, too: "Thanks a lot."
This is an ode to daylight savings time, which allowed me to see an average of two hours of sunlight everyday of Christmas break: "What am I really going to do at 10 a.m., anyway?
This is for Frosty Mint Mochas and Peppermint Lattes, or rather the stomachaches and sugar highs, which dilated my pupils and sent my pancreas into diabetic shock.
This is to parking in the Pearl District the day before Christmas: "Unbelievable!"
This is for all the clothes I left in New York, and talking to your friends on New Year’s when they say: "Dude, I’m totally wearing your shirt right now!"
This is for Rockefeller Center for making me feel like a cow being led to slaughter.
This is for Tiffany’s and Saks for reminding me how poor I actually am, and to FAO Schwartz for creating a life-sized stuffed elephant and charging $15,000 for it.
This is for Financial Aid kicking in this week: "It’s like Santa’s come twice!"
This is for poker chips, the present that was given to me, yet benefits all of my friends: "You gotta know when to fold ’em."
This is for girlfriends leaving town and their boyfriends driving me around and getting me wasted! "Dude, I’m downstairs with forties of Old E."
This is for the only snow this New Year’s costing $50 a gram.
This is for my bathroom floor keeping me company after too much eggnog.
This is for my parents’ house serving as a rehab center: "Thanks Mom."
This is for sobriety and another term of school.
Have a Happy New Year everyone.