At the movies with Zombie Gene Siskel

To commemorate the triumphant graduation experience, I’veprepared a list of films to help you ease into the real worldwithout forgetting college entirely. They are all out on video soyou can get them cheaply, which is important because I doubtStarbucks has enough openings for all of you. Enjoy! And I’ll seeyou … at the movies!

“Animal House”
Possibly the most overrated film of all time, the only thing thismovie has ever accomplished is perpetuating toga-induced fraternitydate rapes. Its success relies on the simulated and pathetic early’60s nostalgia that fueled other stinkers like “American Graffiti”and the abysmal “Forrest Gump.”

The only appetizing aspect of this movie is the bloated corpsewe all knew as John Belushi, who in reality was probably more fullof growth hormones than a truckload of Big Macs. One bite of himand you’d be able to feel your breasts growing.

“Kicking and Screaming”
Noah Baumbach’s college masterpiece stands the test of time. Theamazing dialogue and self-conscious pop culture references thatpermeate the post-graduation dissolving of a four-way friendshiphas set the stage for every indie film since its release. Thegraduation speech of the film’s most engaging character, Max,perfectly summarizes the situation I’m sure most of you are goingto find yourselves facing in the not too distance future. Toparaphrase, “Just a couple of hours ago I was Max, English majorand college senior. Now I’m just Max and I do … nothing.” Thismovie is funny, insightful, painfully quotable and, if you’relooking for something to eat, the movie features thealways-delicious Parker Posey. Zombie Gene Siskel would gladly lickthat platter, if you know what I mean.

“Back To School”
Rodney Dangerfield gets no respect because he doesn’t deserve it. Iwould rather force down his distended and cracking liver raw thansit through this goddamn film again. This movie is the number onereason I like to refer to 1986 as “The year the magic died.”

“Revenge of the Nerds”
Once, Zombie Gene Siskel was kicking it with his boys at a mall inTulsa, Okla., when whom should Zombie Gene Siskel’s homie Shuck-dogsee but Curtis “Booger” Armstrong, star of this 1984 classic?

After refusing Zombie Gene Siskel’s crew’s attempts for banterand autographs, Mr. Armstrong found his car rolled over and setaflame in the parking lot behind a nearby Arby’s. Tell mesomething, Mr. Big Time Movie Actor – if you’re so great, then whatthe hell are you doing driving an ’89 Ford Taurus? Hope you hadcomp and collision on that, bitch.

“School Daze”
I don’t want to be the one to point out that Spike Lee’s 1988 filmabout the inner politics of a primarily black college is a drearybore but … The film’s attempts at addressing the racial identityissues that lie within the African-American community come acrossas more earnest and heavy-handed than U2’s entire back catalogue.With the next year’s classic, “Do The Right Thing,” Lee would finda better balance of the political and satirical elements heexperiments with in “School Daze.”

“Reality Bites”
Another inspired performance by Janeane Garofalo – political,moving, and profound. Bravo, Janeane. Bravo.

This sleeper comedy is as underrated as Animal House is overrated.Which is not to say it’s great, because it’s not. “Animal House” isjust overrated. But the always-reliable Jeremy Piven gives aspot-on performance as Droz, the perennial undergrad loadie whorefuses to succeed and the soundtrack has Mudhoney covering ElvisCostello, which is pretty entertaining.

The thing about these caper-filled college movies is that, ifthe slacker heroes put half as much energy into their studies asthey do to their pranks, they would find nothing but academicsuccess. But where’s the fun in that?

“American Pie 2”
The wacky antics of the “American Pie” crew hits the collegecampus. The only thing this movie accomplished is postponing theinevitable and painful end to the careers of Seann William Scottand Jason Biggs. Who cares if they get laid? The ones reallygetting fucked here are the poor suckers who paid full price to seethis pile of crap.

“How High”
I don’t care what anyone says, “How High” is the “Citizen Kane” ofpot movies.

It features thugs who go to Harvard and succeed by smoking thedope that manifests the ghost of their super brilliant best friend.This is the movie that allowed the world to forgive Redman andMethod Man for making the shittiest party rhyme album of all time:Blackout!

“Dead Man On Campus”
This 1998 homoerotic stinker features Tom Everett Scott andMark-Paul Gosselaar (of television’s “Saved By The Bell”) as ahapless couple of college slackers desperately trying to keep fromflunking out of school. They find a provision in the school’scharter that states if they had a roommate who committed suicide,they’d both get straight As to compensate for the supposedgrief.

So, of course they find the most depressed student on campus andtalk him into a three-way … living situation and try to get himto kill himself. For having such a dark premise, the only thingdisturbing about this movie is the romantic chemistry between thetwo leading men.

“Girls Gone Wild”
While technically not a movie, “GGW” is a college classic. And,while much like “Animal House” in the fact that this series ofbra-dropping whiffers relies mainly on the fabricated nostalgia ofmiddle-aged men for its success, it seems unstoppable. And whilefor most of you “GGW” fans out there each new installment meansanother pair of sticky jammies, Zombie Gene Siskel sees this as hisversion of The Cooking Channel. I’d like to see her in a lemonreduction sauce, if you know what I mean.