Attack of the Caffiend

As a kid, I remember hoarding chemical energy like a little fiend. A caf-fiend, if you will.

I would buy boxes of those powdered cappuccino packets and mix about eight with a glass of milk. Then I would stay up all night–shaky and sweaty–hoping I could catch some boobage on late-night television.

Up until a few years ago, that’s the most caffeine crazed I ever got. But in no time, my life became awash with caffeinated products. My heart hasn’t been the same since. Energy drinks, coffee, caffeine-injected chocolate pieces. So tired… no, awake. Heart racing… time to rock! Now sleep… Zzzzz.

Being a caffeine maniac is like being a junkie with a never-ending supply of junk. Any store, from 7-Eleven to Safeway, will hook you up with your latest fix. The twisted part? Although I ingest way more caffeine than I ever did as a kid (when I was considered a caffeine deviant), what I put in my body now is still pretty average compared to other people in my age group. It’s disturbing.

It’s not hard to find someone in the Park Blocks downing a giant Rockstar or Red Bull. But in the blink of an eye it seemed that thousands of new caffeine-loaded products started hitting the market. There’s a caffeinated candy bar, caffeinated gum, caffeinated sunflower seeds, caffeinated soap. There’s even something called energy coffee, as if coffee doesn’t have enough energy in it already. It’s like shooting yourself in the head with an Uzi. Overkill.

It’s amazing. And that’s not a qualifier statement. You could view the never-ending stream of caffeine sources as a good or bad thing, but like viewing an atomic blast from a far distance, the flash flood of these ingenious products is truly remarkable. You can’t escape the rush of caffeine products, but what is it doing to our bodies?

It ain’t pretty. With the obvious short-term effects of nervousness and those god-awful withdrawal symptoms, the caffeine craze is leading to a future of hypertension, diabetes, osteoporosis–all for buzz addicts like you and me.

Nanci Seltner, Center for Student Health and Counseling nurse manager, says in addition to these side effects, the reason most people love caffeine–added alertness, being able to stay up well into the night, being able to leap from tall buildings in a single bound–are pretty much bogus effects.

Caffeine makes your brain fire neurons faster, but fucks with the way you retain the information. Ideas bounce around your mind like marbles in a game of Hungry Hungry Hippos. At least that’s my interpretation of what Seltner told me. She was a little less crude.

Still, it hasn’t stopped our society from binging on energy products in the hopes of packing more action into our short, short lives. We’ll sleep when we’re dead, right?

“We are a society motivated by movement,” Seltner said of the caffeine craze. “So we have our Starbucks, we have the caffeine in our power drinks, because we have to keep going, we have to keep moving.”

How did we get from the casual cup of coffee in the morning, to slurping a giant latte before bed, to practically bathing in pure concentrated energy? It makes you wonder what’s next. Caffeinated cigarettes? Caffeinated clothing? Caffeinated condoms?!

After some caffeine-addled research, I found that my wandering mind wasn’t far from the truth. Cigarettes with caffeine already exist, and I even heard rumors of caffeinated clothes in Japan, where the caffeine soaks into your skin as you flaunt the latest styles. No word yet on caffeine condoms, but we can only pray.

“I think everybody is not getting enough sleep, and [they] are looking for a boost. And the energy drinks are a hot area right now,” according to Tom Gillpatrick, executive director of the Food Industry Leadership Center at Portland State and marketing professor.

With Red Bull leading the way years ago, the caffeine craze has become a fad, Gillpatrick said. 30,000 new food and drink products are put out each year, he said, but only 2 percent of those are still around two years later. But don’t expect energy drinks–the grandpappy of caffeine-loaded products–to disappear soon.

“I think the market for energy drinks, for pick-me-ups, is a long-term, permanent market,” he said.

If that’s the case, what will the future mean for our society if we keep rolling at this breakneck pace? Will we become a race of superhumans with superpowers–able to go without sleep and with a mental pacing that rivals a chipmunk on uppers?

Or will the future become a dystopian nightmare? Where most humans become a roaming zombie hoard of caffeine addicts, lurching through the streets, with a Red Bull in one hand and a blasting heart in their chest, screaming and tearing the non-caffeinated freaks apart with their bare, shivering hands.

Or maybe people will just become a bit more irritable, with constant headaches. Only time will tell…

Top five most awesome caffeine products on the market (check the Internet if you want to buy these products. Chances are you won’t find them at Plaid Pantry):

Shower Shock Caffeinated SoapSunseeds Caffeinated Sunflower SeedsSpazzstick Caffeinated Lip BalmJolt Caffeine Energy GumSteven Seagal’s Lightning Bolt Energy Drink