Birthday free-for-all

Much has changed about downtown Portland since World War I.

If you were to compare a photograph of Burnside from the turn of the century to the current metropolitan skyline you would be amazed to see how much the city has transformed in a relatively short time. But, skyscrapers and streetcars aside, one important facet of the scene has remained constant throughout the years: the Crystal Ballroom, notorious for being one of the best venues to see live music in the Northwest for longer than anyone can remember.

This Sunday the Crystal is throwing itself a little birthday party, commemorating the 94th year of its debauchery-filled existence. Free of charge and open to the public, the McMenamin brothers have arranged for a full day of 18 local bands, mooch-able food and drink samples, and a dizzying array of extra-curricular distractions designed to make all the other venues on the street feel jealous and immature.

Despite its reputation in the outside world as being Caucasian almost to a fault, Portland is a city with a quite diverse population. There are music lovers of absolutely every age, persuasion, and social background you can think of living within her borders. People flock en masse from all over the world to make music of every genre imaginable. It’s one of the benefits of living here.

Holding these truths to be self-evident, the Crystal has planned the guest list of her party accordingly. First and foremost about the music, Sunday’s event will be showcasing some bands that you’d expect to see, some you’ve never heard of, and a few that appear to be possibly picked out of a hat full of musical clichés.

Running the gamut from recent children’s rock camp alumni to the enthusiastic folk-punk stylin’ of hometown favorites The Builders And The Butchers. And going into the self-described “marimba madness” of Boka Marimba, the show is shaping up to be a live version of a cracked-out iPod shuffle culled from the hard drive of Oregon.

Truth be told, the Crystal Ballroom needs the Vanguard to help promote it about as much as the McMenamin brothers need to be lectured on vertical integration business theory. It is probably only a matter of time before they buy up and convert the Smith Memorial Student Union into a hotel and start offering tours of the historic student newspaper-room-turned-brewery. Stranger things have certainly happened.

Delusions and fantasies aside, it would be beneficial for students to acknowledge the Crystal’s anniversary for two reasons: First of all, it’s one of the rare occasions that Portland State parents can bring the spawn of their overeager uteri along with them without throwing caution or boredom to the wind.

They’ve wisely hired personable balloon magician Joe Mishkin to twist it up from 1 p.m. to 4 p.m. and there are several kid’s bands performing early in the afternoon. Secondly, through the sheer number of bands performing at this all-day festival, it is statistically likely to appeal to bearded anarchists and cute pre-med prep girls on equal levels, you just have to time it right and have an open mind. Modern country singer Langhorne Slim goes on around 5 p.m., the perfect way to moralize a crowd into a frenetic craving for indie rock.

Those familiar with the building’s architecture know that fun is often found in tiers. The Ballroom proper is merely the more famous top-hat of the historic four-story sensory palace, and it is by no means the sole location of action on Sunday. Lola’s Room, the bar on the second story is threatening to upstage the family-friendly atmosphere of its upstairs neighbor by hosting an homage to last year’s MusicfestNW.

Indie rockers Oh Captain My Captain, Autopilot, and several others will play in the evening as an alternative for those who prefer scotch to soda and want their music a little bit heavier than what the balloon giraffe crowd has to offer. From 9 p.m. to midnight, Lola’s reverts to its weekly ’80s video “dance attack,” the intention of which is slightly vague, but probably doesn’t involve fighting.

It is difficult to have an honest birthday party without inviting grandma and grandma, especially when the guest of honor is nearly a centenarian. It just wouldn’t be right. The older, wiser generation and their artificial hips might be just a little too hip for Lola’s, and it’s harder than hell to try and maneuver a Rascal scooter on the Ballroom’s bouncing dance floor even if it would be awful fun to watch. But a family is a family, and the elderly deserve to be hooked up as much as anyone else. Ringlers Pub, the restaurant on the ground level, is celebrating last year’s “Pickathon” fest with old-school Americana and bluegrass bands. What is really going to get them all feisty though is when you tell them about the guided historical tours of the building going on from 1 p.m. to 4 p.m. What self-respecting senior could resist a guided tour? Certainly not one I’d like to hang out with.

It is going to be difficult to top last year’s party. Menomena played their sexy song and dance to a full house, and people are still talking about it. But it is our civic duty as Portlander’s to engage in meaningful relationships with places that are important to us and preserve them for generations to come.

94th Birthday Party Crystal Ballroom Sunday, January 27Free!