Cap and gown? More like crap and frown.

Spend your cash on something better

With the end of the school year rapidly approaching, many students from Portland State’s class of 2017 are planning their exit strategies. Perhaps the most obvious step is graduation, a big ceremony surrounded by your peers where, for 10 seconds, you are the celebrity that your family and friends can cheer for. Caps and gowns are a 900-year-old tradition and you know how “The Fiddler on the Roof” feels about “TRAADITIOOONNN, TRADITION!”

School has already cost so much money and the graduation ceremony is merely a symbolic celebration of your academic achievement. Perhaps you’re not thrilled that after doing such a great job at school you have to spend another 100 bucks on your cap, tassel, gown, Latin Honors cord, stole of gratitude or perhaps a master’s or doctor’s hood.

Spend that money on something great instead

You could have a sweet pizza party. You could buy a child’s set of kickboxing gear on Craigslist. You could rent a U-haul truck and cruise around swooping up all the sweet free stuff you can find then go out to an abandoned lot and build a contemporary sculpture garden full of ready-mades.

Despite the fact that you can buy a Wii console for 40 dollars on Craigslist, your money is definitely best spent on fidget spinners. That’s right, fidget spinners for the win.

Fidget spinning doo-wop gang

Recruit nine people to join your crew. Go on Amazon and buy 10 fidget spinners in a color you prefer. With the leftover 50 bucks, go to the Goodwill bins and find 10 jackets as closely matching as possible. Now, go to Home Depot and buy a can of spray paint that matches your spinners.

Create a gang name to paint your jackets with: “Fidget Kings” and “Spinner Winners” are cool options. However, the most ideal scenario would be to create “The Spinnin’ Sharks” and then another rival crew could pop up called “The Fid-Jets” that you could spin your fidget spinners at while sing-battling them about how your crew is totally better than their crew.

Fidget gangs rise and fall

The problems will inevitably occur when your crew’s leader Maria falls in love with Fid-Jets’ Juliet. Love always tries to ruin everything. So then you’ll start a heated singing and dancing competition that gets out of hand when Bernardo’s fidget spinning hand gets tired and it accidentally flies out of his hand striking Leonardo DiCaprio in the face, and then he’ll get a bruise and PSU won’t let you hold your meetings in SMSU anymore. Maria and Juliet drink poison and now nobody can have fidget spinners on campus anymore, all thanks to you and your stupid dreams of starting a fidget spinning doo-wop gang. I bet you feel like a real jerk now.

Get your cap and gown

Since every alternative clearly ends in disaster, you might as well just get your cap and gown. Your parents will love it. Your fellow students will appreciate your solidarity at the ceremony. One more day and one more hundred bucks of educational sacrifice are worth allowing those who have supported you on your journey to have an opportunity to show up and celebrate your achievement.

So go ahead undergrads. Showboat that stage, you’ve earned it. That’s right Masters, you’ve mastered your fate. You heard me Doctors, you must like school after all these years, so take advantage of one more opportunity to do a school thing because no one understands how much school you’ve endured to get there.

If you forgot to pre-order your cap and gown, you can still get a set at the grad fair or pick one up the day of commencement. You may be charged a little extra for not taking care of this ahead of time; but seriously, it’s worth it. Treat yourself.

If you haven’t registered for commencement your name won’t be in the program, but you need to register by June 1 in order to be eligible to participate. Good luck.