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We are less than a week away from another exciting Portland Timbers season, and you know what that means! You do, right? Because, actually, I have no idea. I have no concept whatsoever of what soccer, professional or otherwise, means in the United States. Beyond the fact that it means more, I don’t have any idea what soccer means outside of the country, for that matter. The idea of soccer in general, but especially in America, is totally opaque to me. Given the rabid mythologizing of sports in our culture, I think this is very strange.

On Saturday night, for the second night in a row, the Portland Winterhawks won big on the road against Prince George. Just as they did on Friday, the Hawks scored three goals in the first period, though this time were even quicker about it. Oliver Bjorkstrand found the net just 23 seconds into the contest, and Brendan Leipsic scored twice on the power play before the middle of the period as the Hawks cruised to a 6-1 victory over the Cougars.

THURSDAY, FEB. 21 Women’s Basketball Eastern Washington 83 Vikings 51 Top performers Allie Brock: 13 points, 13 rebounds FRIDAY, FEB. 22 Track and Field Big Sky Championships Bozeman, Mont. Vikings…

The road was more than unkind to the Portland State women’s basketball team, as the Vikings suffered losses to Eastern Washington University and the University of North Dakota by more than 20 points each. The weekend’s results dropped the Vikings to 11-15 overall and 5-12 in Big Sky play, putting them in second-to-last place in the conference standings. Four Big Sky teams have already clinched trips to the postseason, and with only three games left in the season, the Vikings would need to win all their remaining games and get a little help with losses from the two teams who sit between them and the seventh and final playoff spot.

The Portland State women’s golf team traveled to Yorba Linda, Calif., last week to compete in the California State University, Long Beach Gold Rush tournament. The Vikings acquitted themselves well at the event, shooting 307 as a team to finish in fifth place. That result was better than four schools ranked above Portland State in the Big Sky standings.

You’d think that watching LeBron James, Chris Paul and Kobe Bryant—the best of the NBA—coming together to play a friendly five-on-five would be worth watching, right? Then why did I switch over to a cable-censored version of Demolition Man after the first 30 minutes? It’s a question I pondered intently after witnessing Sly Stallone’s 20th f-bomb come out as “fudge.” Rolling my eyes as Wesley Snipes quipped, “Simon says…die!” and then turning the TV off completely, I searched for a plausible explanation as to why the loudest sound in the Toyota Center this week was caused by the crickets.

Wrestling is officially no longer part of the Olympics after it lost in a runoff vote against seven other sports to retain its spot in the games. First added to the Olympic program in 708 B.C., wrestling found its existence pitted against bids from karate, squash, roller sports, sport climbing, wakeboarding, wushu and a joint bid by baseball and softball. Ultimately, the International Olympic Committee decided to tuck one of the world’s oldest sports into the mothballs of nostalgia.

With the playoff picture beginning to come into focus, the Portland Trail Blazers and LA Lakers find themselves on the outside looking in. Both teams are within four games of the Houston Rockets for that coveted eighth playoff spot, and Friday’s matchup in Los Angeles will push one team even closer to the postseason.

The Portland State women’s softball team claimed two wins out of five at the Easton Desert Classic last weekend in their second weekend of nonconference play to start the season. The Vikings are now 4-7 overall this year.

With five games left on the schedule this season, the Portland State men’s basketball team won the 2012–13 Dam Cup on Monday night, defeating the Eastern Washington University Eagles 89-80 and moving within two wins of making it into the Big Sky Conference tournament. Portland Trail Blazers star Damian Lillard was in attendance at the Stott Center to witness the Vikings’ second consecutive win following an eight-game losing streak.