It’s about time we learned something useful in this gigantic schoolhouse of Yawnsville.
Anonymous 1 and 3
Can one of you talk about the classes you’re taking?
A1: I don’t do so well in interviews.
All you have to do is answer questions.
A1: Uh…I could try it.
What are the classes you are taking?
A1: Two-Dimensional Design…uh…uh…uh…Printmaking Intermediate…and Art History.
Do you like the professors?
A1: So far, yeah, Joe Maka is pretty cool.
What’s his name?
A1: Joe Maka.
Jo’ maka what?
A1: Jo maka…uh…I don’t know…jo maka fucks well? Jo maka treated me nice last night?
Would Joe Maka make a good general?
A3: Of what? Like a war general?
Of war.
A1: No.
Why?
A1: ‘Cause he’s too emotional.
War is very emotional.
A1: Yeah, but he wouldn’t want to fight, he likes to interview people on couches.
Do you think he could destroy vast armies by interviewing them on couches?
A1: Nah, he might be able to dismantle their brain a little bit.
Would he be able to dismantle their brain in such a way that they might…fall down and die?
A1: No.
Why?
A3: Because he doesn’t have that much mojo…that much maka…
What’s maka?
A1: It’s like mojo but it’s maka, it’s more on the emotional side.
Do you think he could make them cry with his emotional side?
A1: Yeah.
Do you think he could make them die of sorrow?
A1: No.
Do you think he could train you in the ancient art of making people cry…the death cry?
A1: Maybe not the death cry but he could teach me how to emotionally dismantle people.
Anonymous 2 and 3
How are your classes going?
A2: I haven’t had any yet. I’ve just been working all day.
A3: I don’t know what mine are called…or where they’re at.
Could you make up names for me?
A2: Um…Middle Eastern Bombshell Basket-Weaving Duck-Calling.
A3: And I’m taking Time-Travel for the 21st Century, it’s my Senior Capstone.
Oh, wonderful! Tell me about the professors for these classes.
A2: Mine is like a cute little bug.
Does he talk?
A2: No.
He has to teach, what is his teaching like?
A2: I could describe it in one waaaay…yeah, a bug. I can’t go any more than that.
How does he teach you?
A2: It’s easy, through colonies, making a colony.
I see.
A2: You’re not following me.
Do they form words?
A2: Yes.
OK.
A2: And then they go and kill caterpillars and turn it into green food, which you can take back to the horde…hive…
Horde?
A2: Horde.
A3: Hive!
A2: Hive…colony. They take it back to the colony.
And you learn medieval bomb-making basket-weaving…?
A2: It’s pretty easy.
A3: That sounds like fun.
A2: It’s like a 100-level class.
A3: I should take that one with you, it’s cooler than time travel.
A2: It’s good, because I’m worried about my GPA.
How is your professor?
A3: It’s this crazy mad scientist, but we get to go on a field trip to 2050.
A2: Is that where you hit Jesus in the nuts?
A3: Yeah!
Jesus comes back in 2050?!
A3: I thought everybody knew that.
A2: So that he can kick him in the nuts!
Would you say that…you would, ah…that these professors would make good generals?
A2: Yeah, mine is the soldier ant, not a worker ant.
A3: It’s an ant or a bug?
A2: I was thinkin’ more of a bug-ant.
I know what those are!
A2: You see him all the time! On the streets.
On the streets!
A2: On dogs.
On dogs!
A2: You pick them off of dogs, sometimes the dogs pick them off themselves, sometimes you go to the vet to get them sprayed off the dog. Sometimes you have a collar for the bugs.
A3: Or you could bomb their house too!
A2: Or you could eat a bomb burrito.
Sounds delicious, ‘specially on the battlefield.
A2: Nothing quenches your appetite like a bomb burrito on the bug field.
On the bug of ant…it’s a glorious battle.
A2: Uh hunh, to the death, to Valhalla.
To the Hollow.
A2: Valhalla! Where soldiers go to die, where soldiers ant-bugs go when they die.
I know all about that because I’m Scandinavian.
A2: Me too! I’m from Portugal!
Really? I’m from the…uh…Morocco.
A2: I’m from the Outback!
A3: Those are the two coolest Scandinavian countries anyway, Portugal and Morocco…oh…and Australia!
Antarctica is a good one too! So tell me about this glorious battle the mad scientist will fight in the future.
A3: Yeah, we’re going to go to 2050 to kick Jesus in the balls.
Do you know what your specialty…or, uh…niche will be, like maybe you’ll be a bomb specialist?
A3: I’m just gonna kick really hard when I find him. I’ll look for the guy with the long hair. He’s not white though!
A2: And he’s a woman! But [Anonymous 1] is a good kicker!
A3: I was number one in my kickball team.
So you don’t have to worry about nuts either.
A2: They’ll be the mythical nut kickers.
The mythical nuts?
A2: The theological nuts.
Theoretical-theological nuts.
A2: Yeah…complimentary nuts.
A3: [referring to Anonymous 2’s homemade T-shirt with a felt-TV shape sewed on to it that had various pictures or “channels” in it] Did you see [Anonymous 2]’s TV?
A2: [shows me each channel] First, there’s a squid. Now, there’s a pig being slaughtered. A back of a Polaroid. And finally…wait…oops! [drops a channel] Commercial.
A3: I like the front of the Polaroid!
Yeah, I like that too.
A2: [picks up a channel] It’s a recipe! [I guess it’s some kind of cooking show] It’s a potato salad log!Do you have a channel of your bug professor(s)?
A2: No.
You should get one and I think you’ll get an A!
A2: He’s into that, he’s a little bit vain…I’ll be quite frank.
I’ll be quite Tage, and thank you both for talking to me.
A2: Why thank you.
A3: A pleasure!
A2: Later alligator!
After a while crocodile.