Today’s Birthday (Sept. 22) Use your birthday to reaffirm your love of life. And ask yourself why you named your albino ferret “Life” in the first place.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – The editorial “we” does not apply in the statement, “we are the champions.” Consult “Elements of Style.”
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – Instead of assuming that you missed someone’s last phone call, understand that they just didn’t call in the first place.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – You’ll get your comeuppance, Scorpio. Oh yeah, just you wait and see. Comeuppance!
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – For the last time, the game of croquet does not involve defecating on your neighbor’s lawn.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – You are the Billy Crystal of astrological signs. And what has he done lately? Analyze that.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – Even though you have the mustache, you are not a Texas Ranger.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – For the love of god, turn the water back on; and your phone while you’re at it. You have the money, Pisces, just pay the bills.
Aries (March 21-April 19) – Lock your doors, but stay outside.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – Put down the long island iced tea and take off the sunhat. Summer is over.
Gemini (May 21-June21) – Waking up on your couch to the “Teletubbies” is not a reason to call your mother.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) – Cancer is a disease. So is crabs, you know? Has anyone called recently?
Leo(July 23-Aug. 22) – While one hand may wash the other, it usually doesn’t involve masturbation.