Daily Horoscope

Today’s Birthday (Nov. 13)

“It’s not lies; it’s a gift for fiction.”

Aries (March 21-April 19)

“The new Oldsmobiles are in early this year.”

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

“I can’t believe I gave my panties to a geek.”

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

“Some days you just can’t get rid of a bomb!”

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

“Goose-stepping morons like yourself should try reading books instead of burning them.”

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

“Nobody puts Baby in a corner.”

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

“How many times have I been wrong? Never. Not driving, anyway.”

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

“I saved Latin. What did you ever do?”

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

“E.g., i.e., fuck you.”

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

“Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!”

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

“God gave me a gift, Lucille. I shovel well. I shovel very well.”

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

“You don’t frighten us, English pig-dog. Go and boil your bottom, son of a silly person. I blow my nose on you so-called Arthur King, you and your silly English k-niggets. I don’t want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hampster and your father smelled of elderberries.”

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

“You’ll shoot your eye out, kid.”

– Your Psychic Friend at the Vanguard